What Went Wrong
by Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Summary: Sometimes someone breaks your heart so badly you don't think you will ever recover but what happens when the person is thrust back into your life two years later. Spashley...please read and review
1. The Fallen Interlude

**First Chapter of a new fic, let me know what you think? I have a few chapters written and a heap of jotted down notes so I can continue.**

**What Went Wrong**

**Chapter One - The Fallen Interlude**

"Spencer are sure about this?"

Spencer Carlin snapped the clasp on her bag shut, tucked a few strands on long sun-kissed blonde hair behind her ear and glanced up at her housemate and former mentor, Lily Zee. "Lil, I'm a professional and this is my job. Is it going to be hard? Yeah it will be, but it's not like I have a choice." Spencer walked over into the kitchen bench and poured some much needed coffee into her travel mug, she had not been sleeping well since she had been told about her latest assignment. "Our oh so lovely boss, Richard, told me in no uncertain terms that I do this piece or I start trawling the classifieds."

Spencer was working as a producer and director at MTV. She was particularly known for her interviews and documentaries with the Gay and Lesbian community. She was quite well known as an activist and pillar of the community. She had started at MTV as an intern in her junior year of college (thanks to Lily) and had now been working there for almost four years.

Lily quickly walked around the bench to the younger woman's side and pulled her into a fierce hug, "Spence I saw what you went through with her and I was there while you struggled to put your life back together after everything. It took you so long to be able to even function after what she put you through and I don't want to see you hurting like that again."

Spencer smiled sadly at Lily, "God I know. I had planned on never seeing her again but like I said I don't have a choice and maybe now that I'm actually starting to feel human again I need to do this so I can get closure and finally start to move on," Spencer shrugged and both women were fully aware that Spencer was trying to convince herself just as much as she was trying to convince Lily. Spencer gave Lily a quick hug and swung her bag up onto her shoulder before giving Lily a small, nervous smile that came out as more of a grimace, "Well here goes nothing, I guess I'll see you when I get home?"

"Yeah you will, but Spence please call me if you need to talk, anytime." Spencer nodded and gave a Lily one last smile, it was rather forced though, before scooping up her keys and travel mug and heading out the door.

After a quick stop at the office to meet her Camera man and to pick up the equipment, Spencer dragged herself into the MTV van and started to read over her notes for the upcoming documentary. The notes were really a waste of time, she knew everything that was written on the pages. She knew this subject better than she wanted to, especially now after everything.

Spencer took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she rested her head back against the seat in the van. This project was going to be one of the most challenging, if not the most challenging, Spencer had ever had to do. She wished with all her being that she could get out of this project and go back to trying to exist.

As they pulled up into the car park of the Dirty Mind Records building, Spencer took another deep breath to try and settle her screaming nerves. _God I don__'__t know if I can do this,_ Spencer thought to herself.

"Hey Spence you ready?" Seth, her long time colleague and friend asked as he jumped down out of the van's driver seat.

Spencer forced a smile onto her face and said, "Of course, let's get this show on the road." Spencer hopped out of the van and went around to help Seth with the equipment.

"So this chick is like a new major player in the music industry?" Seth asked as he checked a camera bag.

"Um yeah, she set up her own record label about twelve months ago and has broken all the records by actually getting some great bands and artists, getting quite a few top charting hits and making a profit. She's made a hell of a name for herself as a producer and a song writer." Spencer answered, feeling her heart pounding in her chest as they walked towards the building. Spencer fought hard to keep her breathing even to starve off the urge to sob in fetal position right there on the sidewalk.

Seth held the door open and Spencer led the way into the building. They walked over to the reception desk, Spencer smiled at the bubbly blonde behind the desk and introduced herself, "Hi I'm Spencer Carlin and this is Seth Mills and we're here from MTV."

The receptionist squealed with excitement and jumped up out of her seat liked she'd been electrocuted. "Of course, right this way the boss is expecting you." Spencer and Seth followed the receptionist into a large meeting room, "Have a seat and the boss will be right with you." Spencer smiled politely and stood with her back to the door, silently preparing herself for the moment that was about to take place. It would be the first time she had come face to face with the woman who had broken her heart in almost two years.

Spencer heard a door open behind her and saw Seth step forward to greet the new arrival, "Hi there I'm Seth Mills from MTV." Spencer spun around just as the new arrival was about to introduce herself. As soon as her eyes fell on Spencer she froze, her words dying on her lips.

"Hello Ashley," Spencer nodded to her and picked up her clip board, all the while holding the other woman's gaze.

"Spen…Spencer?" Ashley stammered. Spencer was secretly a little pleased to see that she still had an impact on her gorgeous ex-girlfriend, although she had not been prepared for the rush of emotions that surged through her upon seeing her. Seth's eyes flicked back and forth between the two women. The tension in the room was palpable, the silence was far from comfortable. Seth began to fiddle with the strap on his camera bag, "So ah you two already know each other?"

"You could say that," Ashley whispered in a strained voice. Spence felt a stirring in her at the sound of the voice she had been hearing in her dreams ever night for the last two years.

"We went to high school together," Spencer added. She saw Ashley visibly flinch at her minimalisation of their past together. Seth looked at Spencer and knew there was more to the story then he was being told. While Spencer was every inch the professional, her eyes always gave her away. In that moment they were screaming out pain and heartbreak.

Ashley audibly swallowed and gave Spencer a tentative smile, "You, uh, you look great Spencer. How have you been?"

Spencer fixed a professional smile on her face and calmly replied, "I'm great thanks. I can see you've done really well for yourself."

Ashley looked down at the floor. She felt like she'd just been hit but a semi. She had missed the beautiful blonde so much so it had become a physical ache that had only gotten worse since she'd last seen Spencer. "Yeah I've been lucky," Ashley said softly, still looking down at the floor.

Spencer frowned slightly, modesty did not suit her ex-girlfriend one bit. As quick as the frown appeared on her face, Spencer covered it with her professional mask. There was no way in hell she was going to let Ashley see just how much it was effecting her to see her again. Ashley Davies had broken her and Spencer would not give her the satisfaction of seeing how much pull she still had over Spencer's heart.

Seth cleared his throat, bringing Spencer back to what they were there to do. "Um well I'm sure everything about this documentary was explained to you over the phone but if you have any questions or want me to clarify anything just ask." Ashley nodded and gestured for them to take a seat. Spencer sat opposite Ashley and let Seth take the seat closest to her former love.

"Right well basically there will be some standard interviews, both with you and a few of your artists and also Seth here will be shadowing you on the job so we can get some action shots. I'm here as director/producer/interviewer…um what else? Oh all you need to do is act naturally and be yourself. Do you have any questions?" Spencer was completely in professional mode, fighting the urge to scream and beg Ashley to explain why she had fucked her over so badly.

Ashley looked down at her hands, which were clenched tightly around her coffee cup, "Ah no, no questions. So um when do we get started?" Ashley was trying desperately to stop herself from sobbing and clutching Spencer to her, she couldn't believe that Spencer was there, in her life. She had no idea how to handle this.

"Well if you've got the time we could get some of the interview questions over with now?" Spencer asked, trying to remain as collected as humanly possible.

Ashley nodded and met Spencer's eyes for the first time since she'd entered the room. She had always been able to read Spencer and now what she was reading in the gorgeous cerulean eyes before her was breaking her already broken heart. Spencer's eyes told a story of intense pain, loneliness and devastation. Ashley could also see that Spencer was noticeably thinner than the last time she'd seen her and she looked tired, beautiful, but tired and kind of haunted. _My God I did that to her, _Ashley thought to herself as she swallowed back tears.

Ashley felt like a monster. She noticed Spencer and Seth looking at her expectantly, "Oh sorry, yeah let's get the interview started. Um, we could do it in my office? Will that work?"

"Yeah that would be great, lead the way," Seth said with a friendly smile. Spencer forced a polite smile and followed Ashley and Seth down the hallway to Ashley's huge and stylish office. After a quick look around, Seth went to retrieve a different camera from the van and left Spencer and Ashley alone.

There was an extremely awkward and strained silence. Ashley coughed and walked to stand beside Spence who visibly tensed as her ex approached. "So, it's been a while," Ashley began.

Spencer gave a sort of grunt in response and continued pretending to read her notes. "Spence…I missed you," Ashley said quietly. Spencer's head snapped up and she looked at Ashley, her eyes narrowing in disbelief. "It's true, not a day has gone by where I haven't though about you and regretted what I did."

"Stop," Spencer snarled her professional mask well and truly gone, "You don't get to say you miss me or that you think about me. You gave up that right when you broke my heart, destroyed my life and left me to pick up the pieces." Ashley froze at the venom in Spencer's voice. She had never seen Spencer so livid, and quite frankly it scared the crap out of her. The fuming woman in front of her was so different from the girl she used to know.

"Spence…I…"

Spencer cut her off, "No my name is Spencer. You don't get to call me Spence, not anymore. Now I am here to do a job. I didn't ask for this assignment, I was forced into it. I did everything in my power to try and get out of it. I don't want to be here so let's be professional and get this over with so I can get you out of my life!" Spencer stopped yelling, breathing heavily as anger radiated off her.

Ashley staggered back a step as though she'd been slapped. Blinking back tears she nodded sadly and murmured, "Ok Spencer. I'm…I'm sorry." The emphasis Ashley put on the last sentence made it clear that her apology was intended for more than what had transpired that morning. Spencer deliberately ignored the implied meaning and kept scanning her notes.

Ashley wandered over and took a seat behind her desk as she watched Spencer. She couldn't believe how badly she had broken this beautiful woman. She knew that she had royally fucked up.

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**So that's the end of the first chapter, hope you liked it.**

**Anyone have an idea what may have happened between Spencer and Ashley? I mean I already know but I'd love to hear your thoughts!**

**Please read and review!**

**Oh and the name of the fic and the name of the chapter are the titles of Blink 182 songs.**


	2. My Skin

**Hmm, interesting to read what you guys think.**

**me4son – I kinda like Spencer's mean side too!**

**Thanks to the lovely reviewers, hope you like the latest installment!**

**What Went Wrong**

**Chapter Two - My Skin**

The silence between the two women became extremely awkward following Spencer's outburst, but thankfully Seth walked back in and quickly set up his camera equipment, giving them something to focus on other than the tension between them.

Spencer took a seat in front of Ashley's desk and plastered a polite smile on her face in preparation to ask her questions.

"Ok Ashley, we will run through some basic questions about the label and how you started out, is that alright?" Spencer asked, refusing to meet the mocha eyes of her ex.

"Yeah that's fine," Ashley said quietly.

"I'm here with Ashley Davies the founder and CEO of Dirty Mind Record. Ok Ashley could you tell us a bit about your start in the music industry?" Spencer said in her 'interviewer' voice.

"I've always loved music. It is like my security blanket. No matter what was happening in my life music was always a comfort. It was all I ever wanted to do. I had an ill-fated start as a performer and then at 18 I got a job as a song writer with a producer, Ethan Marks, who used to work with my father. I was lucky enough to write some songs for a few artists, including Madison Duarte who is now signed to this label, and then get some experience as a producer. I worked with Ethan for three and a half years. I worked as a song writer, producer, back-up singer and even played on a few records. It was amazing experience and I will forever be thankful for my time working with Ethan. After that I went to work at Isle Records as a producer. It was vastly different from what I had been doing, I mean the work was the same but it wasn't the intimate almost family like experience I'd had working with Ethan. It felt like it was more about making money than making great music.

I stayed at Isle for about six months. Then I had a tragedy in my personal life, and I lost my partner of almost five years," Ashley paused and looked meaningfully at Spencer who was frowning, "Um well after I lost my girlfriend I knew I needed something to keep me going, something to give me purpose, it would have been so easy to just give up but I owed the people in my life more than that. I wasn't happy at Isle, I got into music because I loved it not to make money so I decided to leave and start up my own label and just make some great music. I also wanted to make my late father, Raife Davies, proud and nothing mattered more to my Dad then great music. I guess that led me here."

Spencer swallowed around the lump in her throat and continued to run through questions with Ashley. After about an hour they drew the interview to a close so Ashley could head down to the recording studio. Seth tagged along so they could get some footage of Ashley working.

Spencer went to the meeting room they'd been given as a temporary office. As soon as she closed the door behind her, Spencer let her mask fall and began to sob in earnest. She sunk into the nearest chair and rested her head in her hands as all the pain and anguish of the last two years crashed over her.

_Why the fuck was I stupid enough to agree to this? I should have fought harder, been more assertive with that dickhead boss of mine. I can__'__t be here, I can__'__t do this!_ Spencer screamed in her head. As soon as she had turned to face Ashley that morning and seen her former lover for the first time in so long Spencer knew that she was still very much so in love with Ashley Davies. Even after the biggest heart break of her life and two years of trying to rebuild Spencer knew she still loved Ashley with an intensity that quite frankly scared her.

Spencer pulled her cell phone out and called Lily. After about thirty minutes on the phone Lily calmed Spencer down enough that she felt able to finish the day. Lily offered to come and pick Spencer up from the record label to save her having to go back to the office with Seth.

Spencer hung up and collected herself as best she could. She dried her eyes, blew her nose and tried to fix up the mess that was her makeup. She was going over her notes, or pretending to, when Seth and Ashley came in. Spencer forced a smile onto her face and stood up to greet them.

Ashley took in Spencer's appearance and felt like a total fuck-bag. It was blindingly obvious that Spencer had been crying a lot since she'd last seen her. _I did that, _Ashley berated herself before tuning into the conversation between Seth and Spencer.

"So I'll head back to the office with today's footage and I have that meeting with Richard. Um you sure you're right to get home?" Seth asked.

"Yeah Lily is coming to get me so I'll be fine. You head off and I'll see you here tomorrow morning," Spencer answered giving Seth a sweet smile, it was the first genuine smile Ashley had seen on her former girlfriend's face all day, she had forgotten how truly beautiful Spencer's smile was. Ashley couldn't help but frown though, who was Lily? Was she Spencer's girlfriend?

Seth said his goodbyes and left. Spencer started gathering her things and packing them into her bag. "Spence…I mean Spencer, um so what's on the cards fro tomorrow?" It was nowhere near what Ashley really wanted to talk about, but at this point she'd settle for any conversation that wasn't Spencer yelling at her or giving her the silent treatment.

"Um well your receptionist told us that you've got artists recording all morning and meetings all afternoon so Seth and I will film some of the recording and interview a few of the artists, we've already been in touch with agents and all that. In the afternoon I have some interviews set up, so we won't need you." Spencer swung her bag onto her shoulder and went to walk out.

"Spencer wait." Spencer pursed her lips and turned to face Ashley her expression hesitant and slightly annoyed. Ashley stared into the big blue eyes that used to look at her with so much love, "I just wanted to say that I am so sorry about everything."

"Ashley I will say this one time and one time only, so you'd better listen to me. You shattered me. You broke my heart and tore down the life we had built. It has been almost two years since I last saw you and I am only just starting to be ok again. Once this documentary is done I want nothing more to do with you. It hurts too damn much." Spencer took a deep breath and angrily swiped at the tears streaming from her eyes. "You say you're sorry Ashley? Well I don't forgive you and I never will. Now I just want to do my job so let's keep this purely professional and then we never have to see each other again!"

Spencer didn't wait for a reply, she turned on her heel and marched out of the room. Ashley jumped as the door slammed behind Spencer and then sunk into a heap on the floor, sobbing so hard she felt like she was going to throw up. Ashley buried her face in her hands and rocked back and forth trying to ease the ache in her heart…it didn't work.

Ashley knew there was only one person who could heal her heart and that person was Spencer Carlin who had made it perfectly clear how she felt about her.

Ashley got shakily to her feet and stumbled down the hall to her office, eternally grateful she didn't run into any of her staff or artists. She made her way to her chair and sat at her desk, sliding open her draw and pulling out a photo she often found herself staring at. It was a picture of her and Spencer taken at the beach when they were unaware. Ashley was sitting behind Spencer, her arms wrapped firmly around her waist and her chin resting on Spencer's shoulder. They were both laughing at something out of camera range and they just looked so happy. It had been a celebration of sorts. A month after that photo was taken Spencer had packed her bags, moved out of their loft and out of Ashley's life.

_[Flashback]_

_Ashley spread out a blanket over the warm sand facing the ocean. She sat herself down and slipped off her sunglasses to look over at Spencer as she chatted with Kyla, Ashley__'__s younger half-sister. Ashley smiled to herself and bit her lip as she took in the graceful way her girlfriend strolled along the beach arm in arm with Kyla._

_Spencer looked up and caught Ashley watching her. Her bright smile became wider and more radiant as she left Kyla__'__s side and made her way to her girlfriend. __"__Hey you, there room on that blanket for me?__"__ Spencer asked in a teasing voice._

"_Yeah Baby, for you always,__"__ Ashley grinned as she patted the blanket in front of her. Spencer settled on the blanket, sitting in between Ashley__'__s legs and leaned her back against Ashley__'__s front. Ashley wrapped her arms snuggly around Spencer__'__s waist and rested her chin on Spencer__'__s shoulder so she could whisper in her ear. __"__So do we tell them beautiful?__"_

"_No not yet, let__'__s just keep it between us for now, I want to enjoy this just for us for a little while.__"__ Spencer turned her head and kissed Ashley softly on the lips._

"_Ok Baby, there__'__s no rush. I love you so much Spencer Carlin,__"__ Ashley murmured._

"_I love you too Ashley Davies,__"__ Spencer said kissing her again before turning to watch as Kyla threw a bucket of ice and water over Glen. Both her and Ashley burst out laughing as Glen squealed like a girl and chased after Kyla. _

_As they were watching the antics of their respective siblings Chelsea snapped a photo. _

_[End Flashback]_

Now two years later both of them had successful careers, good friends but were haunted shells of the people they used to be. Ashley knew she had no one to blame but herself. Even though Spencer had been the one to actually end their relationship, Ashley knew she had given her girlfriend no choice. She had fucked up and in doing so hurt the most important person in her world.

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Spencer ran out of the record label building crying so hard she barely registered Lily racing up to her side and pulling her into a fierce hug. "Oh Spence! Sweetie let's get you out of here." Spencer nodded and let Lily lead her to her car. Lily settled Spencer in before jumping into the driver's side and quickly getting them home. Spencer cried brokenly the entire way, refusing to say a word.

Once they arrived home Spencer walked numbly inside heading into their living room and collapsing on the sofa. "Spencer do you want to talk about it? Lily asked softly sitting down beside the younger woman.

"I don't know what to say Lil. You were right. I never should have agreed to do this documentary, although fucking Richard didn't really give me much of a choice," Spencer said as anger coloured her voice.

"Spencer what happened today? I haven't seen you like this for a while now." Lily asked with concern.

"I saw her. She is still the same Ashley, but she looked haunted some how. She tried to apologise to me, more than once actually, and I really let her have it, again more than once. I really told her off, I told her I couldn't ever forgive her. Fucking hell Lily this is all so messed up!" Spencer cried.

"Spence you knew it was going to be hard to see her. I think you did the right thing in telling her how you feel," Lily wrapped an arm around Spencer's heaving shoulders and hugged her close.

"Lil I think I'm in serious trouble," Spencer whispered in a small, broken voice.

"Why Spence?"

"Because the second I saw her I realised that I am still and will probably always be deeply in love with her. I am so fucked!" Spencer began to sob anew, burying her head on Lily's shoulder while she cried. Lily rocked her gently and whispered anything and everything she could think of that might provide Spencer with comfort, of course nothing could. Spencer felt as though all the progress she'd thought she'd made since she'd walked away from Ashley was for nothing. She was back at square one, deeply in love with the person who had taken her heart and crushed it underfoot.

It was a long night for Spencer and Ashley. Both spent hours replaying their relationship and its demise over and over in their heads. Both women cried themselves to sleep.

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**The title of this chapter 'My Skin' is a song by Natalie Merchant. I find it incredibly haunting, defiantly check it out.**

**Please read and review!**


	3. Heart Break World

**Thanks so much for the wonderful reviews! You guys are awesome!**

**madambitch – Thanks, I'm kind of a fan of angst, if you couldn't tell! And bitchy Spencer is so much fun to write. As for what Ashley did…all will soon be revealed.**

**TutorGirl – I get what you mean, and in this fic Ashley did do the hurting, but I don't feel it is as simple as that. I think that both play a part in what went down, but I'd love to get your view once I post the breakup chapters (which have been written!)**

**DontMindBnCrazy – Glad you like it so far! I really liked letting Spencer's inner bitch out!**

**LoveAsh87 – Thanks, I really wanted to get people questioning why and I hoped the flashback (there is also one in this chapter) would make you wonder how they went from so happy to so broken. Hope you like where I'm taking this**

**SALOVE – Thank you! After such positive review I will definitely be continuing this fic.**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Thanks so much! Hope you enjoy where this goes.**

**What Went Wrong**

**Chapter Three - Heart Break World**

Spencer parked her car and walked slowly towards the doors that would lead to her being face to face with Ashley Davies again. Her feet felt heavier with each and every step. Spencer had not slept much at all the night before, her sleep plagued with dreams of all that had happened between her and Ashley. The memories that she had fought so hard to repress were back full force, haunting her waking and sleeping hours relentlessly. Spencer felt like utter shit. She had been really tempted to call in sick but her pride refused to let her do that. In her mind that would be showing Ashley exactly how badly this was effecting her.

Spencer took a deep breath and walked into the building. She smiled at the bubbly receptionist and made her way into her temporary office to get ready for the day. She was just settling in a chair and taking a mouthful of coffee from her travel mug when Ashley walked in. Both women froze momentarily on seeing each other.

Ashley cleared her throat, not entirely sure how to act after the drama that had unfolded the day before. Spencer felt her heart race at the sight of the brunette, despite everything Ashley could still do that to her. An awkward silence stretched between them until Seth ambled through the door with a beaming smile and a hearty "good morning."

Spencer tore her eyes from Ashley and gave Seth a grin, "Morning Seth."

"Morning," Ashley murmured, her eyes still on Spencer, who was looking everywhere but at the brunette. Seth looked back and forth between the two women, confusion written on his face as the awkwardness continued.

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The rest of the week consisted of Spencer going out of her way to avoid being alone with Ashley to the point of actually hiding out in the bathroom or even ducking behind doors and under desks to avoid the brunette.

Poor Seth was fighting between extreme amusement at Spencer's avoidance techniques and deep sadness at the situation. Lily, with Spencer's permission, had pulled him aside and given him the run down of the history between the two women and Seth felt nothing but sympathy for the blonde. He and Spencer had been working together for a while now and he loved her like a little sister. It killed him to see her so upset and even he could see that she was the epitome of a broken heart. But he also found himself feeling bad for Ashley. It was obvious that she was hurting and felt incredibly guilty for the past. The way she looked at Spencer was enough to break your heart.

Spencer was constantly feeling tense and anxious. Being around Ashley was fucking with her head. There were moments where she almost relaxed; almost let her guard down and it scared her to death. She had barely survived losing Ashley the first time and she knew she would never come back from heartbreak like that a second time.

Despite the way the relationship had ended they had many wonderful memories together, which made it so much harder to be so angry at Ashley. The love that was between them was that once in a lifetime kind of love that you only experience with your soulmate.

_[Flashback]_

_Spencer rolled over in bed and reached out for the familiar warmth of her girlfriend. Finding nothing but cold sheets next to her Spencer rubbed her eyes and sat up, __"__Ash?__"__ she called out._

"_Just stay where you are Spence, please don__'__t come out here!__"__ Ashley called frantically from the kitchen. Spencer tilted her head with confusion and slipped out of bed. She pulled on her robe and wandered out of the bedroom._

"_Ashley, what the hell are you doing?__"__ Ashley was standing on a chair mopping the ceiling. She had bits of fruit all through her hair, flour on her face and what looked like pancake batter spilled down her front. _

_Ashley froze mid-mop and stared wide-eyed at her girlfriend, embarrassment colouring her face a deep scarlet. __"__Um, ah__…__I was making breakfast for you?__"__ Ashley said in a small voice._

_Spencer tried to hold in her laughter, but quickly gave in and started to giggle uncontrollably. __"__Oh Baby, that is so sweet!__"__ Spencer, still laughing, walked over to her girl and helped her down off the chair. Taking the mop Spencer tenderly began picking fruit out of Ashley__'__s hair, __"__Did we forget to put the lid on the blender again?__"_

_Ashley blushed again and buried her face in Spencer__'__s neck muttering, __"__Maybe.__"_

_Spencer chuckled and kissed her girlfriend on the cheek, __"__God I love you Ash, you really are so sweet to me.__"_

"_Yeah don__'__t go telling anyone, I still have my reputation as a bad-ass to uphold!__"_

"_Hate to break it to you Babe, but no one is buying the bad-ass shit from you anymore,__"__ Spencer teased._

"_They__'__re not? Oh come on I am totally bad-ass!__"__ Ashley insisted._

_Spencer smirked at her girlfriend, __"__ok Ash you are a bad-ass, but you__'__re my bad-ass.__"__ Spencer__'__s smile became seductive as she pulled Ashley towards her._

"_That I am.__"__ Ashley leaned into Spencer and began playing with the ties on her robe. Neither caring that the pancake batter on Ashley's top was now all over Spencer. Spencer lowered her lips to Ashley__'__s and began a slow dance. Ashley undid Spencer__'__s robe and slid it down her arms. She pressed herself completely against the naked body in front of her, moving her lips from Spencer__'__s to attack her neck__…_

_[End Flashback]_

Spencer shook her head to try and clear it of the memory. She spent far too much time thinking back on her relationship with Ashley. She sighed and walked back towards the building that housed the record label. It was Monday of the second week of filming. Spencer had ducked out to meet Lily for lunch and a much needed debriefing session.

Spencer smoothed down her charcoal slacks and navy blue shirt before entered the building. Ashley was standing at the reception desk talking to the overly excited receptionist, whose name Spencer had learnt was Carly. Spencer felt a faint stirring of jealousy watching Ashley interact with the bubbly blonde, which freaked her out.

Spencer gave a brief smile and nodded as she went to walk past them. "Spencer wait, Carly if you could please call Franklin and get him to speak to Madison that'd be great." Ashley smiled at the receptionist and walked up to Spencer. "You just get back from lunch?"

_Well duh!_ Spencer thought sarcastically but in the name of being professional bit her tongue, "Yeah I met Lily for lunch."

Ashley ducked her head and bit her lip, "Is Lily your girlfriend?"

Spencer stared at Ashley incredulously, "Not that it's any of your business but no. Lily, as in Lily Zee who I'm sure you remember, is my housemate and friend." Spencer shook her head and began striding down the hall. Ashley hurried behind her before falling into step with the blonde.

"You're right it's none of my business, I'm sorry. Um how is Lily?" Ashley asked tentatively.

Spencer sighed, "She's good, still working at MTV actually. She is a special events executive producer now. She produces things like the MTV awards and stuff like that."

"That's good to hear. She's talented and deserves the success. It's nice you guys are still friends," Ashley said with a small smile.

"Yeah she's been a good friend to me. We worked together in New York before we both got offered jobs back here. They moved Lily's whole department back here, I just got offered a better job."

"You were in New York? I thought you went to Ohio after…" Ashley trailed off as Spencer narrowed her eyes as a scowl formed on her lips. For a moment they'd been able to have a normal conversation, for a second Spencer had forgotten why she was so angry at Ashley.

Spencer smiled sarcastically and snapped, "Oh I did go to Ohio, I quit my job, left my life and ran as far away from you as I could. I lived with my Dad's sister Tamara and her family for three months while I tried to get over what you did to me. Finally I got a call from Lily with an offer too good to refuse. I packed my bags and moved to New York where I lived for about a yeah and a half. I moved back to L.A. three months ago for a job. There you have all the fucking details now, are we done?" Without waiting for an answer Spencer stormed off and slammed the door of her temporary office behind her. 

_Why can__'__t I ever keep my fucking mouth shut!_ Ashley thought as she stared at the door Spencer had disappeared through. She considered following the enraged blonde, but valued her life too much. Ashley walked into her office, eager to drown herself in work to try and not think about the gorgeous blonde who was haunting her.

The following morning Spencer dashed through the doors to the record label, running late, which wasn't surprising seeing as she had gotten no more than two hours sleep the night before. "Hi Carly," she called as she raced down the hall towards her office. She was just rounding the corner when she ran straight into someone, and as fate and luck would have it that someone was of course Ashley.

"Omph," Ashley grunted as she fell backwards, with Spencer landing on top of her and almost winding her.

"Fuck! Shit I'm sorry," Spencer said, jumping off Ashley like she'd been burned.

"No it's ok, that corner is notorious for collisions," Ashley said getting to her feet. _God even all flustered she lots stunning, _Ashley though to herself. Spencer was wearing a knee length flowing dark purple skirt and a white tank top. A black blazer was draped over her arm and she had black, peep-toe heels on her feet.

"I'll be more careful next time. You ok?" Spencer asked.

"Yeah I'm fine, what about you?" Spencer nodded that she was ok and then started to walk past Ashley to get to her office.

"Spencer?"

"What?"

"Um…I just wanted to know what time we were meeting today?" Ashley asked quietly.

"I have it down for 10 but I'm flexible," Spencer said as she glanced at her blackberry.

"That's fine, I'll see you then I guess?" Spencer nodded and continued to her office.

Ashley watched her go, a look of intense sadness on her face.

"Well I see things haven't gotten any better," a familiar voice said behind her.

"No they haven't, she still hates me not that I blame her," Ashley turned around, "What are you doing here Ky?"

Kyla crossed her arms and leaned against the wall, "Well two things, one I was worried about you and two I kind of want to see Spencer. We've kept in touch but I haven't seen her since she moved back to L.A."

"You kept in touch with her and didn't tell me? Thanks a lot Ky!" Ashley snapped.

"Hey she's my friend and that doesn't change despite what happened between the two of you. I didn't tell you at first because I was angry at you for what you did and also Spencer asked me not to, and then I didn't want to make you hurt any more than you already were so I kept it to myself." Kyla put her hand on Ashley's arm and smiled at her older sister.

Ashley sighed, "Yeah ok I get it. I just wish you'd told me."

Before Kyla could reply Spencer walked out of her and Seth's office. She stopped dead when she saw the younger Davies sister. "Ky! Wow you look fantastic," Spencer said with a warm smile. Ashley hated that Spencer couldn't smile at her like that anymore.

"Hi Spence, you look amazing too! A little pale, but the lovely L.A. sun will help with that!" Spencer and Kyla giggled and Kyla pulled the blonde into a warm hug.

"Yeah the New York weather was not as good for tanning I'm afraid and I've been so busy since I moved back. But enough about that, how's everything and how's your man?" Spencer asked with a grin.

"Aiden is great, working a lot but he is really loving that job. Thank you so much for recommending him for it, he is so much happier now." _Wait what? Spencer got Aiden his job? Has everybody been talking to my ex behind my back?_ Ashley though as she watched the two women interact.

"That's great, I knew he would be perfect for it! But what about you? My Dad working you too hard yet?" _Hold up, Kyla is working with Arthur? Why the fuck didn__'__t I know that? _Ashley thought as she glanced at Kyla.

"You know your Dad Spence, he is so passionate and he expects a lot. He has been awesome to me actually, great boss to have," Kyla looked guiltily at Ashley, she had neglected to tell Ashley that her boss was in fact Mr. Carlin.

"Yeah the counselling centre is his pride and joy. The day he took over as manager he told me he knew he could make a real difference. Hey I'd love to chat more but I have heaps to do. We should catch up soon, here I'll give you my card. It has my home number on the back." Spencer handed over a business card, gave Kyla a huge grin and Ashley a brief, tight lipped smile, and walked off.

Ashley turned to Kyla who was looking a tad guilty, "Well I guess 'staying in touch' means going to work with my ex-girlfriend's Dad and her getting your fiancé a job. Anything else you wanna tell me?"

"I should have told you, but I hated seeing you so sad so I didn't want to bring up anything linked to Spencer. I saw what it did to you whenever something reminded you of her. I didn't want to hurt you but I also didn't want to lose Spencer from my life. She has been a great friend to me and Aiden and I won't apologise for that.

You know I flew out to Ohio to see her after she left, I told you that. We just got closer from there. I told her how unfulfilled I felt and she got her Dad to come and see me. Arthur offered me a job at the counselling centre that included heaps of training and I jumped at it. Hell he is the one who is helping me do that social work course part-time. I wanted to tell you it was Arthur who was helping me but I guess I wasn't sure how you'd react." Kyla put an arm around Ashley shoulder and pulled her into a hug.

"It's ok Ky, I understand. God this is all so hard! I hate this, the way things are between me and Spencer and I know I've got no one to blame but myself. It's just a fucking nightmare and it's killing me," Ashley cried against Kyla's shoulder.

"I know Ash, and trust me when I say this is hard for everyone involved, especially Spencer. I talked to Lily and she told me that Spencer is really struggling with all this. I think you just need to be understanding of the fact that you broke the girl's heart," Kyla said all this softly, no hint of accusation in her voice.

"I know and I would give everything I have to take it back. I will spend the rest of my life hating myself for what I did," Ashley offered her younger sister a watery smile and they walked up the hallway into Ashley's office.

As they walked into Ashley's office, Spencer stepped around the corner. She had gone out to get something from the van and come back into hear the sisters talking about her. She leaned against the wall, a thoughtful expression on her face as she looked towards the door the sisters had just walked through.

---------

**So there is chapter 3. I have up to chapter 6 written so I will post another chapter tomorrow.**

**Hope you liked the angst that was chapter 3!**


	4. No Hope No Love No Glory No Happy Ending

**You guys are so wonderful with the reviews! Much love to you all.**

**WillowOn3 – I think the breakup was complicated, with both having an impact on it. I know, I feel bad for Ashley too, she messed up but she is hurting so badly. Thanks for your lovely review**

**DontMindBnCrazy – lol! The big reveal about the breakup will be in chapters 5 and 6 so not long to wait! I'll post them in the next couple of days**

**LoveAsh87 – Thanks so much, I thought it was important for Spencer to see Ashley's perspective ergo the conversation she overhears between Ashley and Kyla**

**noobsgod – Thanks, I thought I'd add a little humour to all the angst, hence the Spencer hiding from Ashley scene**

**hugbuddy13 – Thank you and we'll see how things go with our girls**

**sonfan92 – update is here, hope you like it**

**MrsMusgraceTNG – I agree Spencer so needed to hear that conversation. I can promise some Spashley soon (whether it is in the form of flashback or not I can't say!) Thank you for your kind words!**

**C-Olive – Thanks, I hope you like chapter 4!**

**Here is chapter four, the reason for the breakup will be coming to you in chapter 5 and 6 so not long to go now!**

**What Went Wrong**

**Chapter Four - No Hope, No Love, No Glory, No Happy Ending **

The next week passed very quickly for both Spencer and Ashley. Ashley had a whole catalogue of artists she was preparing to launch and a few up and coming bands she was booking into club nights. Spencer and Seth had been filming a lot and had some amazing material. Spencer often found herself watching footage of Ashley, even after everything it made her happy to see the success Ashley had made of herself.

Spencer couldn't stop thinking about the conversation she had overheard between Ashley and Kyla. She had been so consumed by her own pain and anger that she hadn't really stopped to think that Ashley was hurting too. In some ways it was easier to be the one who got hurt than the one doing the hurting. When you do the hurting you have to carry around the guilt and knowledge that it was you who broke the person you love on top of the heartbreak that comes from the end of a long-term relationship. Spencer was torn, part of her was still hurt and so angry, while the other part of her was starting to actually feel bad for Ashley. It was all so confusing, maybe she was being too hard on Ashley, then again maybe she wasn't. Spencer really felt like her head was going to explode!

She was seated in her office while Seth was off filming some rehearsals. Spencer had her laptop out and was attempting to begin editing together some material to present to her boss at the end of the following week when filming would be completed. She had been at it for a good hour and was getting pretty tired. If she was honest she hadn't accomplished all that much as her thoughts kept turning back to her ex-girlfriend.

Spencer leaned back in her chair and rubbed her eyes before stretching her back. "Well well if it isn't the blonde bombshell herself."

Spencer spun her chair around to see who was behind her. Her face split into a huge grin as she stood up, "Madison! My God it's been so long, you look fantastic!"

Madison smirked, "Hell yeah I look fantastic, as do you Chica! I came to see if you wanted some real talent for your doco?"

Spencer laughed, "Of course, this things would never be complete without the wonderfully talented and extremely hot Madison Duarte!" Madison chuckled and pulled Spencer into a warm hug.

"It's good to see you Spencer, you've been missed in Lala land."

Spencer smiled, "Yeah I missed everyone too."

"And Ashley?"

"Wow you really have no tact at all do you?" Spencer asked looking at Madison in disbelief.

"Nuh, never. So you gonna answer the question?" Madison said looking straight into Spencer's eyes.

Spencer groaned and threw up her hands, "Of course I missed her! Fuck I missed her every single day, but it's not that simple. She broke my heart Madison. She betrayed me in a way I don't think I will ever get over." Tears filled Spencer's eyes and threatened to spill over. Madison pulled the blonde into her arms and held her tight.

"I never said it was simple. All I know is you're both fucking miserable without each other. Ashley has been hating herself for the last two years, you might never get over what happened, but neither will she. There is still love between you so there is hope."

Spencer smiled sadly, "No Madison I don't think there really is any hope. It's all so confusing. I don't think I can ever get past what she did. I could never let myself be vulnerable to her, not after what happened, but I miss her and you're right there is still love there."

Before Madison could respond Seth and Ashley wandered in.

There was an awkward silence for a few moments. Spencer was still playing the conversation she'd had with Madison over in her head, not entirely sure why she had opened up like that to someone she was hardly close to. Finally Seth stepped forward and introduced himself to Madison.

"Hi there, you're Madison Duarte, I'm Seth Mills from MTV. I'm Spencer's cameraman/slave/bitch." Seth broke the tension and the three women laughed.

"Well I always saw Spencer as the slave-driver type, maybe with a whip," Madison teased as she shook hands with Seth. Spencer blushed and slapped Madison on the arm.

"What? You could not be so sweet and innocent without having a dark side," Madison said with her trade mark smirk.

Spencer giggled and nodded, "Yeah ok so maybe you're right, but I will neither confirm nor deny." Madison, Ashley and Seth laughed.

"Why don't we get some footage of the three of you, Spence you can interview these two together. I reckon it'd make awesome footage!" Seth suggested. Spencer smiled and nodded as Ashley and Madison both enthusiastically voiced their approval.

They went down to the rehearsal room, the instruments surrounding the walls making a perfect backdrop. Seth set up two camera's so they could film from two angels simultaneously. Spencer took a seat on an armchair and Madison and Ashley sat themselves down on the sofa next to Spencer's chair.

"Ok lovelies action!" Seth called as he hit record on both cameras (one via remote).

Spencer beamed at the two women and began, "Here with me we have two of my fellow King High alums, CEO of Dirty Mind Records Ashley Davies and the Latina Diva herself, Madison Duarte."

"Hey Carlin! I am in no way a Diva!" Madison cut in.

Ashley burst out laughing, "Oh who are you kidding Mad? You are the biggest diva on the label. Shit you've been a diva since you were five!"

Madison scoffed indignantly and Spencer chuckled, "So you guys have known each other for a long time, everyone's heard the stories. You were friends, then fell out, then started working together, made some kick ass music and became friends again. So what are you guys now?"

"Well I'm her boss and she's my performing monkey!" Ashley joked.

Madison swatted Ashley on the arm and said indignantly, "you would be nothing if it wasn't for me! Nuh in all seriousness, Ash is one of my closest friends. As soon as I heard she was starting her own label I got my ass out of my contract and signed with her. She has a real talent when it comes to music and I trust her judgment in everything I do. I really believe I would have ended up as just another disposable pop singer if it wasn't for Ashley and her beautiful songs. I mean my first single hit number one and stayed there for record time, and that is mostly due to Ashley. Actually Spence that was Dirty Mind, the song she wrote for you."

Everyone in the room froze, waiting for the blonde to explode and start screaming. Instead Spencer smiled demurely and looked over at Ashley, "Yeah she is certainly a talent to be reckoned with and that song still has a place on my Ipod and in my heart." Spencer gazed into Ashley's eyes for a moment, her eyes telling the brunette she was sincere, before continuing, "Well since Dirty Mind you've released heaps of singles and three albums Madison, what the world is dying to know is when are we going to see you on tour again?"

Ever the professional Spencer continued, despite the pounding in her chest and the tears burning the back of her eyes. Only Ashley could read how she was struggling, but knowing how proud Spencer was she was not going to draw attention to it.

"Well we are planning a tour just after my fourth album is released, which will be in a few months or so. The first single off that album will be out soon I hope!" Madison said animatedly.

"Yeah the tour is definitely on the cards and the album is coming along great, Madison's sound has just gotten better and better and we are really excited about the album. Madison and I began working on these songs about a year ago so we are pretty psyched to get them out into the world." Ashley said with an affectionate smile.

The interview continued for the next half an hour or so. The three women fell comfortably into conversation, which included a lot of banter and teasing. Ashley felt happier than she had in a damn long time; it felt amazing to be interacting with Spencer without the tension that had been plaguing them.

As the interview ended, Seth packed up the gear and Spencer smiled warmly at both women. "Well thanks guys, this is going to make some excellent footage for the doco. Mad, it was great to catch up with you," Spencer leaned in and gave Madison a warm hug, "I'd better leave you two to business and I'll go get some more work done. Thanks again." Spencer smiled sweetly again, at Ashley as well as Madison, and left the room.

Madison turned to face the grinning brunette, "So I'm guessing by that shit-eating grin on your face that this was improvement?"

Ashley just smiled.

-----------------

Ashley took a mouthful of coffee as she walked towards the rehearsal room next to the recording studio. It was late in the afternoon and most of the staff had headed over to a local club where her latest band would be launching their first single later that night. Ashley thought she'd take the opportunity to work on a few songs she had been writing. She had been feeling oddly inspired since Spencer had been back in her life.

Tonight would be the last bit of shooting for the MTV documentary and Ashley was not looking forward to watching Spencer walk out of her life yet again. It had nearly killed her the first time.

The last month had been intense and confusing. At first Spencer had been clearly angry but in the last two weeks or so she had warmed up a bit and at times was actually friendly. It almost seemed like she would forget that she was supposed to hate Ashley for a while. It was confusing but Ashley wouldn't trade a second of it, having the blonde back in her life was more than she ever thought she'd have. She definitely wasn't ready to let that go.

As she neared the room she heard a piano being played, the sound was beautiful yet haunting. Ashley stepped unseen into room and looked towards the figure seated at the piano. Long, golden hair caught the dying sun making the seated woman look angelic. "Spencer," Ashley whispered unheard into the space between them.

Ashley stepped further into the room so she could see the other woman's profile. Spencer closed her eyes as her fingers danced across the piano keys. Ashley felt her heart constrict at the pain on the blonde's face as she was completely overtaken by the music. She had known Spencer could play the piano but had never seen her so consumed by a melody.

As Ashley watched Spencer began to sing, her voice low, husky and full of emotion. Ashley was enchanted, she never knew Spencer could sing. The sorrow in Spencer's voice cut the brunette deeply, causing tears to start rolling down her cheeks and chills to travel up her spine.

"This is the way you left me

I'm not pretending

No hope, no love, no glory

No happy ending

This is the way that we love

Like it's forever

Then live the rest of our life

But not together

Wake up in the Morning, Stumble on my life

Can't get no love without sacrifice

If anything should happen I guess I wish you well

A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told

No hope, no love, no glory

Happy endings gone forever more

I feel as if I'm wastin'

And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me

I'm not pretending

No hope, no love, no glory

No happy ending

This is the way that we love

Like it's forever

Then live the rest of our life

But not together

Two o'clock in the morning and something's on my mind

Can't get no rest keep walking round

If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong

I can get to my sleep, I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told

No hope, no love, no glory

Happy endings gone forever more

I feel as if I'm wastin'

And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me

I'm not pretending

No hope, no love, no glory

No happy ending

This is the way that we love

Like it's forever

Then live the rest of our life

But not together

A little bit of love, little bit of love

Little bit of love, little bit of love

A little bit of love, little bit of love

Little bit of love, little bit of love

I feel as if I'm wastin'

And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me

I'm not pretending

No hope, no love, no glory

No happy ending

This is the way that we love

Like it's forever

Then live the rest of our life

But not together."

As Spencer finished the song she put her head in her hands and her shoulders started to shake as she cried. Ashley brought her hands to her mouth to stifle her own sobs. She felt torn, she so wanted to cross the room and pull the sobbing woman into her arms, but she was scared of how Spencer would react knowing Ashley had witnessed her vulnerability.

Ashley swallowed around the lump that had formed in her throat and rushed to Spencer's side. Ashley sat down next to Spencer on the piano stool and pulled her into her arms. Spencer tensed for a moment before succumbing to the familiar, comforting embrace. Spencer buried her face into the crook of Ashley's neck and sobbed. Ashley held her closer and felt the other woman's tears on her skin.

After a few moments Spencer tensed again and pulled back out of Ashley's arms, it was all a bit too overwhelming for her. Ashley was waiting for Spencer to blow up at her and then run away, instead Spencer stayed sitting next to Ashley on the piano stool, staring down at her hands.

Ashley bit her lip, struggling to find the words to say. Spencer let out a shaky deep breath, "I don't ever know what to say to you. I've spent the last month while we've been working together, trying to figure everything out, but I just don't know anymore. I really wanted to hate you, and fuck did I try, but I don't, I can't."

Ashley looked sadly at Spencer, "I don't know what to say either. But I'm glad you don't hate me Spencer, even though I deserve it. The last two years have been pure hell and there hasn't been a single day where I haven't thought of you and hated myself for what I did. I missed you."

Spencer sighed and turned to look Ashley in the eye, blue locking onto brown. "I don't know where we go from here, but actually I think I need to go. I have to get ready for tonight, last night of filming and all." Spencer stumbled to her feet and began making her way towards the door.

"Spencer that song you sang…it was…um…haunting and beautiful. Why didn't you ever tell me you could sing?" Ashley called softly.

Spencer paused and turned to look at Ashley, a look of sadness on her beautiful face, "Music was always your thing I only ever did it for fun. It kind of made me feel close to you over the last two years, in those moments where I needed to feel that connection. I wrote that song when I found out I was moving back to L.A., when I realised I might see you again." Spencer smiled softly and left the room.

Ashley watched the door swing closed with the faintest beginnings of a smile on her face. Things were better. She held her hand to her heart feeling the tiniest flutter of hope for the first time in two years.

-------------------------

**The song in this chapter is 'Happy Ending' by Mika, also the title of this chapter is lyrics from this song**

**Hope you liked this installment.**

**Please read and review beautiful people!**


	5. The Beginning Of The End

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews and kind words on chapter 4. When I get such a positive response to my writing it is just amazing. Thanks again.**

**I thought it was time for a glimmer of hope and some improvement between our girls. MrsMusgraveTNG, I'm glad I inspired a happy dance lol. **

**DontMindBnCrazy – Thank you so much for your review. You are so sweet and I hope you like the next installment.**

**Some of the scenes in this chapter are a little vivid, I meant them that way. The situation depicted is meant to be confronting. I was going to write it differently but that's just not me. I write honestly and often bluntly so that's what I've done here.**

**This chapter will begin to explain what happened between Spencer and Ashley.**

**The flashback in this chapter is kind of long so will be told over two chapters, the next one will be up shortly.**

**What Went Wrong**

**Chapter Five – The Beginning of the End**

Spencer applauded as the band walked off stage. The single launch had gone off without a hitch, another success was on the cards for Ashley Davies. Spencer would be lying to herself if she didn't admit that she was proud of her ex, Ashley had earned every ounce of success she'd gotten and to have achieved it all by the age of 25 was pretty damn impressive.

Spencer checked in with Seth who was practically bursting with excitement over the footage he'd captured. He rushed off to get it all logged on the computers at MTV. Spencer smiled fondly as her cameraman raced back to the office. She headed back stage to tell Ashley she was leaving. It was finally a wrap on filming and to be frank Spencer wasn't entirely sure how she felt about that.

Spencer spotted the brunette chatting to the band. She found herself smiling affectionately as Ashley threw back her head and laughed at something one of her producers said. Ashley turned her head and saw Spencer watching. She quickly said goodbye to the people she was with and made her way over to the blonde.

"Hey there, what did you think of the show?" Ashley asked with a warm, but hesitant smile.

"It was great Ashley, really great. Um I'm proud of you," Spencer blushed at her admission and Ashley fought back a huge smile, "Um well I guess that's a wrap on filming. We'll do the post production and then get you in for a viewing before it airs on MTV. I gotta go." Spencer spun around to walk away and accidentally dropped her bag, the contents spilling out onto the ground.

Ashley and Spencer got on their hands and knees and started gathering Spencer's belongings. Ashley picked up an all too familiar bracelet and got to her feet. Spencer stood up stuffing her belongings back into her bag and turned to thank Ashley. Before she could get the words out her eyes fell on the item Ashley was so enthralled by. Spencer closed her eyes and sighed.

"You still have this?" Ashley murmured holding up the bracelet she had given Spencer when they were together the first time, she had a matching one at home she often wore.

Spencer looked around, anywhere but at Ashley, "Um yeah I guess I couldn't let it go." Ashley looked confused, did Spencer mean she couldn't let the bracelet go or their relationship?

"Spencer why have you carried this around for so many years? What does that mean?" Ashley desperately tried to get the woman in front of her to meet her eyes.

Spencer swallowed audibly and continued to look anywhere but at her ex-girlfriend, "I don't know," She mumbled.

"I think you do. Please just tell me Spencer," Ashley prodded gently.

But evidently not gently enough, "Why?! What fucking difference will it make? What the fuck do you want me to say Ashley? That I carry that damn bracelet around with me everywhere I go because I am still in love with you? That even after everything you put me through I can't bear to be without that bracelet, without a reminder of you and what we shared? Jesus Ashley is that what you want to hear? That I am so fucked up that I can't let go of the one person who hurt me the most me! Fuck!" Spencer screamed as hot tears ran down her face.

Ashley felt her own tears spilling over, "You still love me?"

Spencer laughed harshly, "Yeah, aren't I completely fucked up. To still love someone whose actions made it clear she doesn't love me." Spencer started to walk away only to have Ashley grab her arm and spin her around so that they were face to face.

"Wait just a minute, you don't honestly think I don't love you?! That I'm not _in_ love with you? Fucking hell Spencer I love you so much that losing you nearly killed me. I made a huge, unforgivable mistake but that doesn't mean that I don't love you. In my life I gave been in love with exactly one person and that person is you," Ashley cried out, refusing to release her grip on Spencer's arm.

Spencer laughed harshly again, "Those are really pretty words Ashley, unfortunately your actions back then were much more articulate. How could you love me and do what you did?"

Ashley felt fresh tears roll down her cheeks. She hated herself for all the pain she had caused, not only to Spencer but to herself as well. "Spencer I fucked up. I was hurting and scared and I did a stupid thing. A stupid thing I would give anything to erase."

"A stupid thing? A little bit of an understatement don't you think? Do you have any idea what your 'stupid thing' put me through? I mean I was already going through one of the most painful, heartbreaking experiences of my life and then you…you…fuck!" Spencer dissolved into broken sobs, her entire body heaving as she cried.

"Spencer you weren't the only one going through hell! I wanted to be there for you, I needed you and I know you needed me too, even though you pushed me way. You just wouldn't let me in. For a month I tried. I tried to hold it all together until I just couldn't anymore. I fell apart and I made a mistake," Ashley said her voice thick with emotion.

"You keep saying that Ashley, that you made a mistake, do you think that makes everything better?" Spencer sobbed, wrapping her arms around her body as if she was trying to hold herself together.

"I know it doesn't. I screwed up the best thing in my life, us. I betrayed you when you needed me the most. I'm not trying to excuse what I did because I know it was inexcusable. All I want to do is explain," Ashley cried.

"Explain? Jesus Ashley! For so long all I wanted was to know why. Why you betrayed me like that, but I actually can't think of a single thing you could say right now that could make me feel better."

"Maybe not, maybe there is nothing I can say that can give you solace or peace, but maybe there is. Please Spencer, please hear me out. After everything will you please hear me out?" Ashley pleaded.

Spencer looked into Ashley's eyes for a moment. Pain, anger, sadness and loss were written plainly in Spencer's expression. "Ok, say what you have to say. I guess I owe you that much."

"Thank you." Ashley led Spencer into an office where they wouldn't be disturbed; this story would take a while. They sat down on the couch and Ashley took a deep breath, "I'm gonna go back to about three months before we broke up…"

_[Flashback]_

"_How long has it been?" Spencer asked practically bouncing on the spot with nervous excitement._

"_It's been fifteen seconds since you last asked me Spence." Ashley said with a smirk._

"_Sorry Ash, I'm just nervous." _

_Ashley smiled lovingly at her girlfriend, "Yeah me too Baby. God I feel like I'm gonna hurl!"_

_Spencer giggled, "I'd rather you didn't." Finally the timer on Spencer blackberry went off and the two women hovered over the white stick on the bathroom counter. "Oh my God! Does that mean what I think it means?" Spencer asked a massive smile threatening to break out on her face._

_Ashley laughed joyously and pulled her girlfriend into a warm hug, "Yeah Baby it does! You're pregnant! We're going to have a baby!"_

_Spencer squealed with excitement and clutched Ashley to her as tears of happiness spilled down her cheeks. "I'm pregnant! This is one of the best moments of my life! We're going to be parents!"_

_Ashley laughed again before capturing Spencer's lips in a deep kiss. "Ok Baby we gotta get you to a doctor so we can confirm this and make sure everything's ok! Ahhh I'm so excited! I'll go call the doc now!"_

_Spencer laughed as her girlfriend bolted for the phone. Spencer tenderly laid her hand over her stomach and bit her bit her lip as more tears made their way down her cheeks. Spencer stood like that for a while, unaware that she was being observed. Ashley leaned against the door frame and watched her girlfriend, feeling more happiness and joy than she'd felt in her entire existence._

_Ashley walked into the room and fell to her knees in front of Spencer. She laid her cheek against Spencer's flat stomach and smiled as she felt Spencer's hands make their way into her mahogany curls. Ashley gently raised Spencer's tank top off her stomach and tenderly kissed the exposed skin. Spencer bit her lip and smiled adoringly down at her girl._

"_This baby will be the most loved child in the world. You are my world, my family and I will always be here for you and our baby. I love you so much Spencer." Ashley murmured against the smooth skin of Spencer's belly._

"_I love you too Ash. I can't believe we're actually going to be parents!" Spencer said with pleasure. Ashley got to her feet and pulled her girl into her arms, all that mattered in the world, was right there in her arms._

_-------_

"_Are you sure you're ok with not telling them about the baby yet? I mean I just don't want to say anything until we hit 12 weeks, don't want to jinx it you know, but if you want to tell them…" Spencer was cut off by a swift kiss on the lips from Ashley._

"_Spence, you were rambling, and its ok baby we'll tell them once we have the 12 week cheek up. Like you said at the beach today, it's kinda nice for it to be just us knowing for a while. We can enjoy together before we let the rest of the world in on our happiness." Ashley kissed Spencer on the cheek and grabbed their beach stuff out of the trunk of the car. She refused to let Spencer carry anything as they made their way up to the loft._

_That morning they had gone to the doctors and had Spencer's pregnancy confirmed. She was now 5 weeks pregnant and everything was looking good. It was all so exhilarating! _

_After they put away their beach stuff Ashley went looking for her girlfriend. As she walked past the bathroom she heard the unmistakable sound of Spencer throwing up. Ashley walked in and found Spencer seated on the floor leaning over the toilet looking completely wretched. "Oh Baby," Ashley said softly as she moved next to her girl. She tenderly swept the hair out of Spencer's face and put it up in a messy ponytail for her. She leaned over and got a wash cloth from the sink. She wet it down and lovingly wiped the sheen of sweat from her girl's face. _

_Spencer smiled gratefully before hunching back over the toilet bowl and emptying the remaining contents of her stomach. "Oh fuck…this kinda sucks," Spencer groaned as she leaned back against Ashley who was sitting on the edge of the bathtub. _

"_Honey I know, I wish I could do something to make you feel better. How about I run a bath for you, light a few candles and you can have a long relaxing soak? That sound good?" Ashley asked as she ran her fingers through Spencer's silky hair. Spencer nodded and smiled gratefully, before leaning forward to wretch again, this time not bringing anything up._

_Ashley lovingly kissed her girl on the forehead and got up to fill the bath. Once she had the bath filled with warm water and bubbles Ashley lit a few candles and put on some relaxing, mellow music. She helped Spencer to her feet and tenderly helped her get undressed before easing her into the bath._

"_Well that's gotta be a first," Spencer said teasingly._

"_What Baby?"_

"_You get me naked and don't ravish me!" Spencer chuckled._

"_Oh I plan on that later, I have you scheduled for ravishing at 2200 hours," Ashley smirked at her girl, "But until then my lovely relax and call me if you need anything." Ashley kissed Spencer softly on the forehead before leaving her to relax in peace. Spencer smiled contentedly and sunk into the bubbles._

_----------------_

_It had been a long couple of weeks for Ashley and Spencer. Spencer's morning sickness had become all day sickness, leaving her feeling weak and drained all the time. This in turn left her rather moody and irritable. Ashley just took whatever her girl threw at her, wishing there was something she could do to make Spencer feel better. _

_Spencer was now almost nine weeks pregnant and they were both starting to get more and more excited. Ashley had taken to reading anything she could get her hands on about pregnancy and had even started Spencer on an organic, natural diet and an array of vitamins. _

_Spencer, despite the horrendous morning sickness, was enjoying pregnancy. Ashley was spoiling her more than ever, really treating her like royalty. _

_Spencer was sitting on the sofa reading a proposal for a small documentary MTV wanted her to do. It was pretty interesting actually. It would be following a new singer who was openly lesbian and wanting to raise awareness for the gay and lesbian community. Spencer was pretty excited about it actually._

_She took a sip of the organic juice Ashley had gotten for her and beamed when her girlfriend came barrelling through the front door. Spencer laughed as hurricane Ashley came tearing into the living room. "Hey there, someone forget to take their Ritalin this morning?" Spencer teased._

"_No, I'm just happy to be home and I wanted to give you this," Ashley handed over a small gift bag. Spencer grinned up at her and opened the bag to find the most adorable, tiny pair of red Converse high tops. "Oh Ash these are so cute! Thank you," Spencer leaned forward and met Ashley's lips in a sweet kiss._

_Ashley beamed, causing her nose to crinkle adorably, "I thought you and Baby could have matching ones." _

"_Ashley Davies, you are the sweetest person I have ever met. I love you," Spencer said as Ashley sat beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. _

"_I love you too, both of you," Ashley said softly laying a hand gently against Spencer's stomach. Spencer covered Ashley's hand with her own and they settled into each others arms, enjoying the moment._

_------------_

"_Baby dinner is ready," Ashley called out. She waited a few moments before calling again, "Spencer! Dinner." when she got no response Ashley set off in search of her girlfriend. It's not a huge loft so she didn't have to look far._

_She wandered into the bedroom and found Spencer curled into the foetal position clutching at her stomach in the middle of their bed as she writhed about in pain. "Spencer? My God what's wrong?" Ashley cried as she ran to Spencer's side._

_Spencer groaned and tears streamed down her face. "Ashley something is very wrong, it hurts so bad." Spencer closed her eyes and then let out a guttural scream of agony. Ashley began to sob in fear as she grabbed the phone and dialled 911._

"_911 emergency, what service?" came the operator._

"_Ambulance, my girlfriend is pregnant and she's in so much pain, please hurry!" Ashley cried down the line._

"_Ok Ma'am, we'll send a unit right away. What's your address?"_

_Ashley rattled off their address and once she was sure an ambulance was on its way she lay down behind Spencer and wrapped her arms around her, "It's going to be ok Baby, it will be ok. The ambulance is on its way, we'll get you to hospital and it will all be ok."_

_Spencer clung desperately to the arms around her and sobbed in terror and pain. A bolt of searing agony tore through her abdomen, making Spencer scream out. Spencer clung to Ashley's hands as she felt warm liquid seep from between her legs. Looking down she realised with horror that it was blood. Spencer screamed out a sob and cried out, "I'm losing the baby, Ashley Oh my God I'm losing the baby!" Ashley held her tighter and cried brokenly not knowing what to do. She could fell the way Spencer's muscles were tensing and contracting beneath her arms and saw the blood as it pooled under her girl. Ashley was terrified._

_The paramedics arrived soon after and hurriedly got Spencer on a stretcher and into the ambulance. Ashley hopped in beside her, never letting got of her hand. The ride to the hospital was a blur of sirens, flashing lights and heartbreaking cries from Spencer, who cried out the whole way, "I'm so sorry Ashley, I lost the baby, I'm so sorry."_

_As soon as they arrived at the emergency room a familiar blonde woman raced out to the ambulance, "Spencer? My God! Ashley what the hell happened?" Paula Carling cried as she saw her daughter writhing in pain on the stretcher, with blood soaking through the sheet covering her lower body._

"_She's pregnant Paula, we're having a baby and she's…she's in so much pain and there was so much blood," Ashley started to sob, "Oh God she's got to be ok, please Paula she's got to be ok!" Ashley pleaded as she was pulled into the older woman's embrace._

"_We'll do everything we can Ashley. Why didn't you tell us you guys were trying for a baby?" _

"_We didn't want to say anything until it was certain, you know. Spencer wanted to wait til she hit three months and the danger was mostly over," Ashley sobbed into the shoulder of her girlfriend's mother as she was led through the hospital to a waiting room._

"_Ashley, sit down and I'll go find out what's going on," Paula sat the younger woman down and fought the urge to sob herself. She raced into the belly of the hospital to find out about her daughter's condition._

_Ashley sat in the hard, uncomfortable chair in the waiting room, all the worst case scenarios playing on a loop in her mind. She tried to keep her tears at bay, but they kept running down her cheeks. She couldn't stop hearing the screams of pain that had torn from Spencer's lips, she never wanted to hear the woman she loves screaming like that again. She hated waiting rooms in hospitals. They made her think of the song 'What Sarah Said' by Death Cab for Cutie._

_**'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room**_

_**Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news  
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads'**_

_Ashley heard the lyrics in her head and almost screamed out in anguish. She was disturbed from her thoughts when Paula walked back into the room. One look into the devastated face of her sort of mother-in-law was all Ashley needed to tell her what had happened. "No," She whispered._

_Paula wiped the tears from her eyes and sat beside the brunette, "Ashley, I wish I had some good news, I'm so sorry but Spencer miscarried. It unfortunately happens sometimes and we don't know why, there was nothing either of you could have done to prevent this." Paula held Ashley to her and let her cry before she continued, "Now the doctor has to perform a sort of abortion on Spencer to get rid of…" Paula paused, obviously struggling with the burden of being both doctor and mother in this scenario, "anything remaining in her uterus. I though you might want to be with her for that."_

_Ashley raised her broken mocha eyes to meet Paula's sorrow-filled blue ones, "Yeah I need to be with her. Paula is she ok?"_

"_No she's not. I've never seen her like this. She's going to be emotional for a while, the hormones will mess with her a bit, but this has hit her hard Ash, it's going to take time for her to be ok again." Paula took Ashley's hand in hers and led her through the hospital to Spencer's room. "I'll let you go in and we'll come by when we're set up for the…procedure."_

_Ashley nodded and walked into Spencer's room. Spencer was curled up on her side, her body wracked with sobs. Ashley felt her heart ache as she watched her lover breakdown. "Spence," She said quietly as she moved to Spencer's side. Spencer ignored her, curling more into herself and sobbing harder._

_Ashley sat next to Spencer on the bed and pulled her girlfriend into her arms. Spencer thrashed and fought her touch, shoving against her hard enough that it would leave bruises. Ashley held on. She took the abuse and held onto the broken girl. Finally Spencer collapsed against her and cried on her shoulder. Ashley cradled her in her arms as they both cried for the loss of their baby._

"_Spencer? We need to take you for the…the procedure now," Paula said sadly as she watched them from the door._

_Spencer pulled back out of Ashley's arms and stared at her mother as tears fell from her eyes, "Procedure Mom? Just say it's an abortion, gotta get my dead baby out of me now don't we," Spencer screamed. Ashley and Paula froze, Spencer brought her hand to her mouth in horror at her words. She began to scream and sob as Ashley gathered her into her arms again._

_As soon as her sobs had settled somewhat they got the procedure over with. Spencer was silent. She kept her head turned away from everyone in the room and stared at the wall as silent tears made a path on her cheeks. Ashley clutched her hand through out, tears falling from her eyes as well._

_The procedure was soon over; the sound of the machine that sucked away their baby would forever haunt both girls. Spencer was wheeled back to her room where she lay on her side refusing to speak to anyone. All she did was cry silently. _

_Paula called the family and told them what had happened. Arthur, Glen and Chelsea had come by the hospital but Spencer had refused to see anyone. She just lay staring at the wall as tears trickled down her face. Ashley sat by her side, keeping a constant vigil. She wanted nothing more than to take all of Spencer's pain into herself so that she didn't have to watch her lover break._

_-------_

**Ok so the flashback will continue in the next chapter. **

**Lyrics are from the song 'What Sarah Said' but Death Cab for Cutie.**

**This was incredibly hard to write. It is a sensitive topic that impacts many people everyday. I tried to depict it in a way that is true. I hope I have achieved that. **

**I look forward to hearing your views on this chapter.**


	6. In Loving Memory

**Once again thanks for the amazing reviews. You guys are the reason I keep writing this stuff. Thank you.**

**MrsMusgraveTNG - Well my friend it's nice to hear you feel the story. The miscarriage was actually a month prior to the breakup. Thanks for the review XD**

**hugbuddy13 & grangergirl22 - Thank you, I hope you don't hate me once you've read the second part of the flashback!**

**noobsdog - Thank you so much! That means so much to me**

**DontMindBnCrazy - I live to do the unexpected. Moisture around the eye area huh? Well my work here is done! Thanks as always for your awesome review!**

**WillowOn3 - Thanks, hope you like where this story ends up**

**Charlie Fox - Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Your review was so kind. It really meant more to me than I can say to receive such a wonderful review!**

**LoveAsh87 - Thanks for this and all the great reviews you've given me! You're a total champ!!**

**Here it is my lovelies, here is the chapter that reveals why they broke up. I really hope you guys don't hate me after reading this…**

**The flashback from the previous chapter is continued here.**

**What Went Wrong**

**Chapter Six - In Loving Memory**

_[Flashback continued]_

_Ashley led Spencer into the loft and placed her bags gently on the floor. Spencer looked around before turning to face Ashley, "Did you get rid of it all?" Spencer asked in an emotionless voice._

_Ashley nodded, "Yeah I did, it's all gone. I promise." Spencer nodded, wrapped her arms around herself and disappeared into the bathroom. Spencer had asked Ashley to get rid of everything connected to the baby and the pregnancy before she came home. Ashley had obliged, sobbing her heart out as she filled a small box with the few things that remained of one of the happiest periods of her life, the time when her and her girlfriend were going to have a child and the world actually made sense. The box was now stowed away safely at Kyla and Aiden's, Ashley just couldn't bring herself to throw it out._

_Ashley followed Spencer to the bathroom and heard the sound of gut-wrenching sobbing coming from behind the closed door. Ashley felt physically sick as she leaned against the door, "Spence? Baby let me in, please?"_

_Spencer fell silent, using her hand to muffle the sound of her sobs. Ashley sunk to the floor outside the door and closed her eyes. Spencer had been pulling further and further away from her since they had lost the baby and it was killing her. All she wanted was to help her girl, but Spencer just wouldn't let her._

_After about half an hour Ashley heard Spencer's muffled voice call out, "You're still out there aren't you Ashley?"_

"_Yeah I am. I'm not going anywhere Spence, and I mean that literally. I will sit out here until you come out or let me in. I just want to be here for you," Ashley called through the door._

_Spencer suddenly yanked opened the door, causing Ashley to fall backwards into the bathroom. Spencer stepped over her girlfriend and walked into the loft. "I'm going to bed," Spencer announced as she walked into the bedroom. _

_Ashley got up and walked to the sofa. She sunk down into the cushions and let herself cry. She cried for all they had lost, for the pain that was eating them both up and mostly for the broken woman she loved who wouldn't, or couldn't, let her in._

_Ashley awoke the next morning and crept into the bedroom, trying not to wake Spencer. As it turned out she needn't have bothered, Spencer was lying facing the ceiling, having clearly not slept much or at all the night before. _

"_Spence, are you alright?" She asked softly._

_Spencer scoffed and snapped, "Yeah I'm fucking brilliant, I might get up and dance for joy in a second."_

_Ashley hung her head, "I'm sorry that was a stupid question. Can I do anything or get you anything?"_

"_You can leave me alone Ashley. I just want to be alone," Spencer muttered, still staring up at the ceiling. _

_Ashley blinked back tears, "Um…ok, I'll be out there if you need me." Ashley looked at her girlfriend's emotionless face for a moment before turning and walking out of their bedroom. As soon as she reached the kitchen she leaned against the fridge and sunk to the floor. She had no idea what to do now. It felt like everything was falling apart and she was powerless to stop it._

_--------------------_

"_Spencer I made you some breakfast," Ashley said gently as she perched on Spencer's side of their bed. Spencer rolled over so her back was facing Ashley and muttered, "I'm not hungry."_

_Ashley bowed her head, this had been going on for almost a month now. Spencer was hardly eating, barely drinking and not sleeping. All she did was lie in bed and cry or stare blankly in front of her. She had taken a leave of absence from work and she refused to see any visitors besides her Mom and Dad, and even then she refused to say much at all. _

_Ashley had tried everything to get Spencer to open up and talk to her, but she just kept getting shut out as Spencer withdrew further and further into herself. She had even called Chelsea, who had gotten the same response. She thought of all people her and Chelsea would be best able to help Spencer seeing as they had both lived through losing their babies too._

"_Spence you have to eat something, you're going to make yourself sick if you don't," Ashley pleaded._

"_I'll eat when I'm ready. I'm and adult and I will not be told when I have to eat. Now just leave me alone. Please Ashley," Spencer said in a dead voice. Ashley sat for a moment watching her girlfriend before sighing and getting to her feet. She walked out into the living room and burst into tears._

_Lying in bed Spencer could hear Ashley crying and she wanted so badly to go to her, to take her girlfriend in her arms and make it better, but she couldn't. The moment she had felt the excruciating pain in her stomach she had known her baby was dying and now all she could do was lie there and relive the moment she realised her baby had died inside of her. Spencer had nothing left to give to anyone else, she was barely coping with her own grief and knew she couldn't take on anyone else's._

_She curled herself into a ball and clutched her pillow to her as she cried. The sickening pain in her heart not lessening at all. Spencer laid in their bed as sounds of her own sobbing mingled with those of her girlfriend as she sat in their living room. _

_Ashley cried until she fell asleep on the sofa. She woke up at the sound of the doorbell. She rose to her feet and made her way over, not bothering to check her appearance which she assumed was pretty fucking bad. "Hi Paula," Ashley murmured as she let in the Carlin matriarch. _

_Paula looked Ashley over and her heart constricted with pain for the young woman in front of her. She pulled the brunette into a warm hug, holding her tight and just letting her cry. Paula hated seeing what was happening to her daughter and her girlfriend. It was breaking her heart._

_After Ashley had cried herself out Paula insisted that she go and get some fresh air. Ashley only consented when Paula promised to stay until she got back and to call her if Spencer needed anything. Paula was once again blown away by how much this girl loved her daughter._

_Once Ashley had left Paula walked into the bedroom and sat next to Spencer on the bed. Spencer rolled over to face her mother, "Is she ok?" Spencer asked._

"_No Spencer she's not. She is so worried about you, we all are. You have to let her in Spence, you know she's grieving too," Paula said softly as she held her daughter's hand._

"_I know Mom, I know and I hate myself for making this harder for her, I just don't know how to be ok," Spencer cried._

"_I know honey, but no one is expecting you to be ok. All we want is for you to let us in, especially Ashley. She loves you and it is killing her to see you like this and not be able to do anything to help." Paula leaned over and kissed Spencer gently on the forehead. "Spence what you are going through is something I can't even begin to comprehend, I can't imagine what you're feeling but what I do know is that your girl loves you and will do anything to help you through this."_

"_Mom I think I need to get away. You know a few days by myself to clear my head. I know I keep hurting Ashley and I don't want to. I just need a bit of time." Paula frowned, she honestly thought that being alone was the last thing her daughter needed, but Spencer had inherited her stubbornness and she knew it was pointless to argue._

"_Ok so where would you go?" Paula asked._

"_I was thinking I could go to David's cabin? The woods and the fresh air would do me good I think." David was a family friend who had a rustic cabin about two hours out of L.A. _

"_I'm sure he'd be happy to let you borrow it, want me to call him?" Spencer nodded so Paula left the room to make the call. Spencer closed her eyes and fought back a fresh wave of tears, she was so tired of crying._

_Paula came back in shortly after, "David said no problem, you can pick the keys up from him whenever and stay there as long as you need to. When are you going to leave?"_

"_Tonight I think. I have to talk to Ashley…"_

"_Talk to me about what?" Ashley asked stepping into the bedroom, she had just gotten home._

"_I'll leave you to it. I'll see you soon. Love you both." Paula kissed each girl on the cheek before slipping out of the loft. _

_Spencer got carefully out of the bed, stumbling a bit as it had been a while since she'd been on her feet. She turned to face Ashley and crossed her arms over her chest. Ashley looked into the ocean blue eyes of her girl and asked again, "Talk to me about what Spencer?"_

_Spencer cleared her throat, "I need to get away for a few days, I need to get out of here."_

"_Ok that's fine Babe, we'll get out of here for a while, get away from the city," Ashley said taking a step towards Spencer. _

_Spencer backed up a bit, "No, I meant me, just me. I need some time alone Ashley."_

_Ashley looked confused, "Spencer I can't let you go away by yourself right now, we need each other. This is such a horrible time for both of us, we need to be together."_

"_No Ashley, that's what you need. What I need is to be by myself without you constantly watching over me. You make me feel guilty that I'm not ok and I can't take it anymore," Spencer cried as tears began rolling down her face. _

"_I just want to be here for you, to help you. I don't mean to smoother you or make you feel bad. I just want to help," Ashley's voice became husky and heavy with emotion._

"_You can't help me Ash, I need to help myself. Everyday I feel like I'm drowning, suffocating in a world I just don't understand anymore. I don't know how to be. I don't know what to do. All I know is I can't go on like this anymore. I love you and I hate hurting you, but I need to get away," Spencer's voice trembled as more tears joined those already on her cheeks._

"_Spencer we can get through this together, you just have to let me in! You constantly push me away and refuse to tell me what you're feeling. It kills me to see you suffering so much and not be able to do anything to help you," Ashley cried out._

"_Well here's something you can do to help me, let me go. Let me have these few days to myself so I can try and heal. I need to deal with this alone," Spencer snapped._

_Ashley let out a choked sob, "Why won't you let me in? Why are you pushing me away? You're not the only one who lost something you know, I'm grieving too, but unlike you I'm grieving the loss of a baby and the loss of my girlfriend. I feel like I lost you the day the baby died."_

_Ashley felt the stinging in her cheek before she registered that Spencer had slapped her across the face. Spencer staggered back shock written on her face, "Yeah you lost a baby but you didn't feel it die inside you. I'm leaving tonight for a few days, you can't stop me. This is what I have to do."_

"_You forget that I've been there Spencer, I lost a baby too, back in high school. I know exactly how it feels and what you're going through. I know what you're feeling because I've been there. Don't walk out on this Spence, we need each other," Ashley said desperately. She felt certain that if Spencer left she wouldn't be coming back._

"_Maybe that's true, but you're not me, you can't know what I need. And what I need is to be alone for a few days. I don't think that's asking too much." Spencer grabbed an overnight bag and started stuffing clothes and toiletries into it._

"_Spencer stop!" Ashley tore the bag out of Spencer's hands. "You can't just run away like this."_

"_I can do whatever I want. And I'm not running away. This is what I need so please understand that." Spencer snatched her bag back and stormed towards the front door, scooping up her car keys on the way. _

"_Spencer please don't leave! Please stay and let me in," Ashley cried in a broken voice. Spencer paused in the doorway briefly before walking out and closing the door softly behind her._

_Ashley sunk to the floor and stared at the door, willing Spencer to come back through it. She sat there for about twenty minutes before scrambling to her feet and grabbing her phone. She dialled the number of her friend Carrie. She needed to talk to someone who wasn't close to the situation and Carried fit the bill. She was a girl from work and they had become really close, but Carrie didn't know Spencer and wasn't aware of all the details of their loss. Carrie arrived quickly and after a tearful rendition of what had happened she and Ashley decided to get drunk. _

_They downed copious amounts of booze until both of them were blind drunk. Carrie wrapped her arms comfortingly around Ashley and held her close. "You'll be ok Ash, it'll all work out." Ashley went to kiss Carrie on the cheek but missed and got her lips. They both froze for a moment and then began to kiss each other. One kiss became another and then another._

_Somewhere in the recesses of her extremely drunk brain Ashley knew this was a bad idea, but she was hurting and extremely drunk. She gave in and pushed Carrie back into the sofa cushions, quickly getting lost in the moment as clothing was shed and a monumental mistake was made._

_----------------_

_Spencer had driven out to David's cabin, waging a war in her head the entire way. She was furious with herself for how she had treated Ashley, not just that night but since they'd lost the baby. Ashley was right, she wasn't the only one who'd lost something and because of how Spencer had reacted Ashley was almost experiencing two losses. _

_Spencer sat in the car staring up at the stars in the sky. She hated how things had become between her and Ashley, so strained and tense and she hated herself for leaving Ashley like that. She cried. Cried for their baby, herself and most of all for the beautiful brunette who had given her unconditional love and support._

What the fuck am I doing here?_ Spencer thought to herself. She shook her head and put the keys back in the ignition. She swung the car around and began the drive home, home to her girl so they could begin to heal _together_. _

_Spencer sped most of the way and made it back to the loft in under two hours, silently giving thanks for the fact that she hadn't been pulled over by the cops. She parked her car and raced into the building. She felt nervous in the long elevator ride, scared that she had finally pushed Ashley too far and that her girl wouldn't forgive her._

_The elevator doors slid open and Spencer hurried to her front door. She unlocked it and stepped inside. She heard a muffled sound from the living room and turned to the sofa. She dropped her bag to the floor with s dull thud and let out a guttural, animalistic cry of pure, unadulterated pain._

_The two intertwined women on the sofa jumped at the sound and hastily pulled articles of clothing around themselves to cover their nakedness._

"_Spencer," Ashley whispered. Spencer shook her head as tears flowed along her cheeks. Ashley went to get up off the sofa, Spencer staggered backwards and ran from the loft, tears blinding her._

_Ashley jumped to her feet and began throwing clothes on. "Carried get your shit and get the fuck out of here!" Ashley screamed at the other woman as she grabbed her keys and followed Spencer out the door. _

_Ashley searched for Spencer all night, she went every where and any where she thought Spencer would have gone, she even went to the Carlin's. As the sun rose over L.A. Ashley let herself back into the loft where she found Spencer sitting frozen on the sofa, staring numbly in front of her._

_Ashley had never seen Spencer look more fragile or more broken and it tore her apart. She crossed the room and sat down beside her girlfriend. Spencer continued to stare directly in front of her._

"_Spencer? I'm so sorry. God I was hurt and confused and drunk I though you weren't going to ever come back," Ashley paused and still Spencer sat silently, "Please say something?"_

"_What do you want me to say Ash?" Spencer whispered, her voice dripping with unbearable hurt._

"_Anything Spencer, tell me what I can do to fix this," Ashley cried._

"_Fix this? Ashley there is no fixing this. We aren't coming back from this. Us, our relationship will not survive this, I don't even think I'm going to survive this," Spencer choked out, tears spilling from her cerulean eyes._

_Ashley felt her own tears start falling, "Don't say that Spencer, please, we can fix this. Our love can survive this." Ashley reached over and took Spencer's hand in hers. Spencer allowed the contact for a minute before wrenching her hand from Ashley's grasp and jumping to her feet._

"_I can't believe you did this. Fuck don't you love me at all? We just lost a baby! I got to feel our baby die inside me and now a month later and you cheat on me. I guess you weren't getting any at home so you went else where huh?! God I think I'm going to be sick!" Spencer raced from the room and hunched over the toilet as she threw up repeatedly. Ashley followed her into the bathroom, crying desperately as she watched her lover breakdown._

_Once she'd finished being sick, Spencer flushed the toilet, rinsed out her moth and shoved past Ashley. Spencer wandered into the bedroom and began pulling clothes out and piling them into a suitcase she had opened on the bed. _

"_No wait, Spencer stop! We need to talk about this!" Ashley pleased tearfully._

"_And say what Ashley? There is nothing you can say that is gonna fix this. I hate you for what you've done! You destroyed us and you know what else? I don't think I'm ever going to recover from this. Fuck you! Fuck you! How could you do this?!" Spencer screamed as her tears continued to fall. Ashley cried brokenly, knowing there was nothing she could say that would alleviate the hurt and take back what she'd done._

"_You know the worst part of all this? I came back from the cabin to apologise to _you_! I felt bad for pulling away from you and not letting you in since we lost the baby. I came home to tell you I wanted to fix things, that I was sorry. What a fucking fool am I?! I felt bad and now all I feel is sick." Spencer's voice cracked as more tears fell._

"_Spencer please don't walk out, please give me a chance to explain, to fix this," Ashley pulled Spencer into her arms. Spencer stood still as a statue, refusing to respond to the embrace. Ashley sobbed and clung desperately to the woman she loved._

"_Ashley you can't fix this. There is nothing you can say or do that is going to erase the image of you lying naked with her. God I feel like I can't breathe! I feel like I can't breathe," Spencer began sobbing anew and moved her hands to grasp Ashley to her. Both women clung desperately to each other, knowing that the second this embrace ended so would their relationship._

"_Spencer I am so sorry. I would give everything I have to take this back," Ashley said through her tears. _

"_Yeah I bet you would, shame life doesn't work like that," Spencer pulled herself from Ashley's arms and snapped her suitcase shut. Tears fell violently from her blue eyes as she dragged her suitcase towards the front door._

"_Spencer…I love you!" Ashley cried._

"_No Ashley, no. Don't say that to me. You can't possibly. Us, our relationship is over. I want nothing more to do with you, don't call me, and don't try to see me. From the second I walk out that door you are out of my life and we're done. I will never forgive you for this." Spencer ignored the pleading and tears of the woman she loved and quietly walked out the front door._

_Ashley collapsed to the floor and sobbed into the rug in the living room. That was the moment both women stopped living. Yes they existed but neither was living._

_The next day Arthur Carlin turned up at the loft to collect the rest of Spencer's things. He was so angry and refused to even look at Ashley. Just before he left her said coldly, "I thought I could trust you with my daughter, but I was very wrong. You have destroyed her Ashley. I was the one who supported your relationship, I defended you to my wife and now I see my trust was misplaced. I am so disappointed in you." Arthur dropped a folded piece of paper on the coffee table and muttered, "From Spencer," before storming out and slamming the front door._

_Ashley wiped at her tears before taking the paper into her hands. She trembled as she unfolded the paper. As she read the words she lost all control and screamed out in pain and self-hatred._

_The note read:_

_'Ashley,_

_There are no words to describe how I am feeling now. I actually don't think the words exist to fully express the emotions inside me at the moment. All I know I want to be away from you, I need to be._

_I'm leaving L.A. for good. I can't be here, everything reminds me of you and losing the baby and it just hurts far too much. So this is good bye. Do not try to contact me please, I need a clean break._

_Spencer.'_

_[End Flashback]_

"So that's your story huh? You know I was there Ash, I lived it too. I still can't comprehend how you did what you did, how you slept with someone else, especially after we lost the baby." Spencer shook her head and looked tiredly at her hands, it was emotionally draining to dredge up the past again.

"I never meant to hurt you…" Ashley was cut off.

"No? Well imagine if you'd tried." Spencer said tearfully.

"Spencer I felt like I lost you when we lost the baby. I tried so hard to hold it all together. I tried to support you but you kept shutting me out and pushing me away. Spencer I was grieving too, the loss of the baby, you and us and then you walked out," Ashley cried.

Spencer put her face in her hands as sobs wracked her body. Ashley tentatively wrapped an arm around Spencer and pulled her to her side, extremely surprised when Spencer didn't immediately pull away.

After a long time Spencer's sobs quietened and she whispered so quietly that Ashley barely heard her, "if our baby had lived he'd be 18 months old tomorrow." Ashley swallowed and felt Spencer begin to sob again. Soon both women were crying brokenly, clutching each other like lifelines. They stayed like that for what felt like hours.

Spencer sniffed and sat back, pulling some tissues from her bag. She handed one to Ashley and began mopping up her own tears. "Ashley?" Spencer said tentatively.

"Yeah Spence?"

"I told you I could never forgive you and I'm still not sure if I can," Spencer said these words quietly, almost as if they caused her physical pain to say.

"I wouldn't blame you if you never did. What I did is so far beyond forgivable that I can't believe you haven't tried to run me down with your car or something."

Spencer let out a tired chuckle, "I thought about it, but I like my car too much." Ashley smiled and gently held Spencer's hand. "I don't know where we go from here Ash. The last month has been confusing and exhausting. It is exhausting being angry with you and I found myself sometimes forgetting why I was. There were moments when the past fell away and it was just you and me again. I don't know what to do with that." Spencer sighed and rubbed her eyes.

Ashley stayed quiet, sensing that it was important for Spencer to be able to get everything out. Spencer looked down at her hands, one held in Ashley's and one which was tightly clenched into a fist in her lap, "What makes all of this so hard is that we still love each other. It's not like we broke up and now hate one another. There is still a lot of love between us which just makes everything complicated. I mean if we hated each other then there would be no drama here, we'd be forced to work together and then we'd go our separate ways. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know if that's what I want."

"You mean for us to go our separate ways?" Ashley asked softly.

"Yeah." Spencer fell silent looking torn.

Ashley squeezed Spencer's hand comfortingly, "Spence you know how I feel, and it's obvious what I want, you. I want as much or as little as you are willing to give me. I miss you, I missed having you in my life. But all that is beside the point. All that matters here is what you want, how you feel."

"I can't answer that right now Ashley. You hurt me so badly and so much had changed over the last two years. The only thing that has remained the same is how I feel about you, but I don't know if I can ever get past what happened. It feels like we're at an impasse, we love each other but I know if I can forget the past," Spencer said dejectedly.

"Maybe it's not about forgetting the past Spencer, maybe it's about acknowledging the past and moving on. I won't pressure you, I won't make demands. I have been waiting for you for two years and I will wait forever if that's what it takes," Ashley tilted Spencer's face she so she could look into her big blue eyes.

Spencer just nodded. She was too drained to do much else. She leaned over and put her head on Ashley's shoulder. Ashley wrapped her arms around the blonde and held her close. It wasn't long before both women fell asleep.

The owner of the club was an old friend of Ashley's so when her found them in his office he just smiled fondly and left them to it.

The next morning Ashley woke up alone with a note lying in her lap. The handwriting was hurried but familiar. It read:

'_Ashley,_

_I'm sorry to run off like this but I was feeling pretty over whelmed and to be honest a bit freaked out. I don't know where we stand but I want you to know last night, talking to you about everything, helped me. _

_I still don't know what I want or if I'll ever know, but I do know that I don't want to go back to being angry at you and pretending that I hate you. I have to try and figure out this mess of emotions in my head so being me I was planning to go reclusive and deal alone. Instead I might try this letting people in crap. _

_So, when you get this note please give me a call (my card is on the coffee table in front of you) and maybe we can talk or catch up. _

_Spencer'_

Ashley carefully folded the note and picked up the card from the table, she pulled out her cell phone and dialled Spencer's number.

-------------

**Chapter title is the name of a Jamestown Story song. Very moving song you should check it out. **

**I really hope you guys don't hate me for Ashley's cheating. I had a method to my madness I promise. I felt that Ashley was pushed to absolute breaking point by not only losing the baby but also in a way losing her girlfriend as Spencer pushed her away and I thought this was a good way to show that. I in no way condone what Ashley did but I think their break up is more grey than simply put blame one of them.**

**Anyway I look forward to hearing what you think.**


	7. For Each Other

**Thanks so much to all who took the time to review Chapter 6. That chapter was extremely hard to write and I was expecting some strong reactions so thank you so much for sharing them with me.**

**satincanopy, ashikinz & lili85 – Thank you so much!**

**DontMindBnCrazy – You are so forgiven! I was hoping that chapter 6 would get people thinking, that people would see both sides of the story. Thank you so much for your awesome review!**

**LoveAsh87 – Thanks so much! I felt that Ashley would be unable to forgive herself or move until Spencer forgave her.**

**hugbuddy13 – I was trying to tell the story of two women at their absolute breaking point, only place to go from rock bottom is up!**

**WillowOn3 – Thanks for your wonderful review! I'm glad this chapter explained Spencer's behaviour a bit more. Spashley comeback…hmm well I do like happy endings lol**

**TutorGurl – I read your review so many times and I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time for such a detailed response. It amazes me that something I wrote can inspire someone to put such thought into a response. I agree with much of what you said, particularly regarding Spencer's reaction to losing the baby. It is a complicated, emotional and intense situation. I look forward to reading your thoughts on the rest of the story.**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Hey my Rock Star, thanks for the awesome review! So glad you liked chapter 6!!**

**Here is Chapter 7!**

**What Went Wrong**

**Chapter Seven – For Each Other**

It had been a few days since the night of the deep and meaningful conversation between Spencer and Ashley. Spencer had thrown herself into the post production work on the documentary. It was important to her that the doco came out perfectly. She wanted to tell Ashley's story the right way to do justice to her former lover and best friend. The process of editing and all that jazz was almost cathartic for her. It helped her to see Ashley as more than just the woman who had broken her heart. It helped her to see her as the warm, passionate woman she had fallen hopelessly in love with.

Since their long conversation about the past Spencer found herself seeing things from Ashley's perspective a bit more. It dawned on her just how hard the whole thing had been on Ashley, not only did she lose a baby but she lost her girlfriend in a way too. Spencer had been so focused on her own pain that she totally lost sight of Ashley's. Spencer felt so confused. She knew what she needed was to talk to Ashley. One thing Spencer had learnt from what had happened with Ashley was that she needed to let people in and not try and cope with everything alone, it was a work in progress.

She had spoken to Ashley twice on the phone since that night. They had kept the conversations light, Ashley was waiting until Spencer was ready to open up and would not push her in any way. It was important to her that she shows Spencer she was committed to her.

Spencer shut her laptop and pulled out her phone. She sent off a quick text message to Ashley, asking if she'd meet her that night for dinner so they could talk. Ashley replied almost instantly and they set a time and place to meet. Spencer had so much going on in her head and the only person who could understand and help her make sense of it all was Ashley.

She had an hour until she had to meet Ashley so Spencer headed home to change. She would never admit it to anyone but she was actually feeling a bit excited about seeing her ex. She dressed carefully, wanting to not look like she had put in the effort but in reality she changed her outfit like eight times. She ultimately settled on a pair of tight dark blue jeans, a jade green halter neck top and a pair of tan, peep-toed flats. She scooped up her tan leather jacket and her bag before heading out to meet Ashley.

Ashley had gotten to the café where they were meeting about ten minutes early. She had been so thrilled that Spencer wanted to catch up that she had left work almost immediately and then spent hours driving herself crazy trying to decide what to wear and what she would say to her former girlfriend and what Spencer might want to say to her.

Ashley was sitting there having a conversation with Spencer in her head when the afore mentioned blonde walked in. _My God she is so beautiful!_ Ashley though to herself. She smiled softly as the blonde slide into a seat across from her. Spencer flashed her a smile of genuine happiness, which made Ashley's heart race and her hopes rise.

"Hey Ash, thank you for coming," Spencer said.

"It's no problem, I was happy to get your text," Ashley murmured.

Spencer smiled shyly and looked down at her hands, "Ash I asked you here because I wanted, no I needed to talk to you. Um now that you're here I have no idea where to start."

Ashley smiled with understanding, "Yeah I get that. Before you walked in I was having a conversation with you in my head, kind of like practice I guess and now I'm not sure what to say either."

Spencer smiled, "You practice your conversations with me?"

Ashley chuckled, "Yeah now that you're actually talking to me I have this burning desire to not fuck it up again."

Spencer gave a small, almost sad laugh, "Ash that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I spent so damn long being mad at you, being hurt and angry, that I never really saw what happened from your point of view. I mean it still hurts that you cheated on me, but I've started to see my part in the breakup. I pushed you away and I refused to let you in. I couldn't deal with my grief so I shut down and pulled away from you. I remember how I felt when your Dad died and you wouldn't let me in, and that only lasted a short time. I shut you out for ages." Spencer paused and took a deep breath to settle herself, "I'm sorry I pushed you away and stopped letting you in." Spencer wiped a tear from her cheek and swallowed hard.

Ashley felt her own eyes tear up, "Spence, you don't need to apologise to me. How you reacted was completely understandable. I just felt so useless when I couldn't help you. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't wanted to go back in time and stop myself from making the hugest mistake of my life."

A waiter came by at this time and took their order, they sat in thoughtful silence until he returned soon after with their drinks.

Spencer gave Ashley a watery smile, "I never even asked who she was."

"Are you asking?" Ashley said in a small voice.

"Yeah I guess I am," Spencer replied.

"It was Carrie, who I used to work with. She was a friend of mine who I had been talking to about everything since we lost the baby. I called her after you left, I needed someone to talk to who wasn't so involved. She came over and we started drinking, a lot. We were so drunk Spencer. So drunk that the last thing I remember is kissing her and then I woke up naked and saw you standing there. That moment was one of the worst in my life. I hated myself so much for what I had done." Ashley hung her head and stared down at the table. Spencer closed her eyes tightly and fought the image of Ashley and Carried lying naked together on their sofa.

"Ashley, I want to say that even though I hate what you did, I don't hate you and not through lack of trying either. I wish things had turned out differently you know. I wish we had gotten the happy ending we dreamed of. I wish we weren't both so broken. I love you Ashley Davies, what you did couldn't change that so I'm guessing nothing will. What I've learnt though is that love just isn't enough. A relationship also needs trust, friendship, honesty, passion and both people committed to making it work. We have the love, maybe we could start working on some of the other things and see where that takes us?"

Before Ashley could respond the waiter returned with their food. Spencer looked self-consciously down at the table and began to fiddle with her fork.

"Spencer," Ashley said softly, waiting until the blonde raised her eyes to meet hers, "I told you that I would take any part of you that you are willing to give me and I agree with you. We have love between us, a lot of love, but we need to work on the other stuff. All I know is I missed having you in my life."

Spencer smiled gently and took a bite of her dinner. The rest of the meal passed rather pleasantly. They talked about their families. Spencer told Ashley that some poor woman had actually agreed to marry Glen and that this woman was Chelsea. She told Ashley of how happy her Mom and Dad still were and how they had weekly family dinners where everyone was invited.

"Ash you should come, Kyla and Aiden always do." Spencer offered

"So that's where they go every Sunday night! Thanks for the offer but I think that if I turned up at your family's house they might kill me, your Mom anyway." Ashley said with genuine fear in her eyes.

Spencer smiled, "Actually you'd be surprised, and it's my Dad you should be scared of. Mom is one of your biggest supporters. As for Glen, well he's scared of you so will give you no problem."

"Yeah your Dad was so mad when he came to see me the day after you left, not that I blame him at all." Ashley said with her eyes downcast. She had always really liked Mr. C and it pained her that he now thought so little of her.

"Ash I was kidding. My Dad was angry at you for a long time, but he's ok now. Me and him are still really close and I've been talking to him about all of this and he has been encouraging me to give you a chance. He's a wise man that father of mine and once he got over his initial anger he started telling me I should get in contact with you. The first time he told me that was about a year ago."

"Really?" Ashley asked incredulously. She couldn't believe that anyone could be so forgiving.

"Yeah really. He came to see me in New York and he and Lily gave me a mini intervention. They were fed up with my moping and told me to come back to L.A. and see you. Dad told me it was so we could work it out and Lily told me it was so I could lay the past to rest and finally start to move on. Which I never did you know," Spencer said quietly.

"Move on you mean?" Ashley asked.

"Yeah I never moved on. There hasn't been anyone since you and I broke up. I was tempted but I just couldn't even after everything, I just couldn't."

"Me either. After you left and since then there hasn't been anyone else. You may not believe that but it's true." Ashley murmured.

"I believe you Ash. I guess we were both waiting."

"For each other." Ashley said softly. Spencer nodded and they smiled at each other shyly.

------

Ashley swallowed around the lump in her throat as she stood on the Carlin's front step. It had been a long time since she'd been to this place which had been like a second home to her for over five years of her life. She had honestly thought she would never stand here again.

Taking another huge breath to try and settle her nerves Ashley pushed the door bell, kind of hoping that no one would answer. No such luck though the door was thrown open by none other than Mr. and Mrs. Carling themselves.

Mrs. C beamed a warm smile of welcome while Mr. C managed a tight smile that barely reached his eyes. "Hi Ashley, it's really great to see you again," Mrs. C then surprised Ashley by pulling her into a warm hug. Once she was freed Ashley turned to look at Mr. C, feeling pretty apprehensive.

"Paula can you give me and Ashley a minute," Mr. C asked quietly. Mrs. C gave Ashley a reassuring smile and went back inside.

"Mr. C, I know I'm not your favourite person and I deserve everything you have to say to me, but I just want to say that not a single second has gone by where I haven't hated myself and regretted what I did," Ashley said sincerely.

Mr. C looked thoughtful, "You know Ashley for a really long time I was so angry with you. I had to watch my daughter hurting so badly that she fled the state. But look it's been two years and all I can see now is how you being back in Spencer's life has changed her. At first it scared me because she was just so broken again but in the last few weeks I actually saw her genuinely smiling and laughing, which has been pretty rare. She loves you and I believe it when she tells me you love her. You made a monumental mistake, but it's not my place to forgive you, only Spencer can do that. What I can say to you is that if she is able to forgive you and you two decide to give it another go it will be with my blessing. With that said, if you ever and I mean EVER, put her through something like that again then you and I will really have a problem."

Ashley just nodded, too overwhelmed to speak. "Come in, dinner will be served in about ten minutes and everyone else is here." Mr. C smiled kindly and opened the door so Ashley could lead the way into the house.

Mr C led Ashley into the living room where everyone else was seated. Kyla, Aiden, Spencer and Mrs C all grinned at her warmly. Glen barely looked at her and Chelsea just looked thoughtful. Spencer took in the rather shell-shocked look in Ashley's face and turned to her father, "Dad what did you say to her, she looks like she doesn't know whether to laugh or cry."

"That's a fair assessment actually," Ashley said making Spencer and Mr C laugh.

Spencer stood up, "Help me in the kitchen Ash?" Ashley nodded and followed the blonde into an all too familiar kitchen. This house was filled with so many memories. As the walked in Spencer went to stand against the bench, "Are you alright? I know it can't have been easy to come here today, I really appreciate that you did."

"I won't lie to you, yeah it was hard. It's a scary thing to face the parent's of the girl whose heart I broke, plus being here just brings back so many memories both good and bad." Ashley murmured.

"I know, why do you think I had to move after we broke up? I could stand being here where so much reminded me of you and our relationship. Although now I kind of like it, well I like remembering the good times." Spencer smiled softly and turned to start getting the meal out of the oven.

"Spence, thanks for inviting me tonight. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me," Ashley said softly. Spencer turned around and gave her a warm smile.

"I'm just glad you came. I don't know where this, you and me, is going but I do know that I don't want to lose you from my life. I tried that and quite frankly it blew." Spencer and Ashley both laughed and began taking the food out to the dining room table.

"Chows up!" Spencer called out making everyone move into the dining room. Ashley was led by Spencer to the chair beside her. "It's so I can protect you when they start on the inquisition," Spencer whispered to Ashley who just looked horrified, making Spencer giggle.

After Mrs C said grace everyone started to dig in. Ashley felt a pair of eyes locked on her and looked up into the angry eyes of Glen Carlin. She sighed, "Glen if you have something you want to say to me then just say it."

Glen looked a little taken aback by her directness but recovered quickly, "I guess I'm just wondering how long it's going to be before you break my sister's heart again. Given your track record I'm thinking just long enough to make sure she's really messed up afterwards."

Spencer went to snap at her brother but was silenced by a gentle hand on her leg from Ashley. "Glen you are totally justified in thinking that. I screwed up time and time again with Spencer, I am well aware of that. If I could take it all back I would, I would give all I have to take away the pain I've caused her. It actually makes me so happy to see how protective you are of her, I'm glad she has you. But I will say this, I'm not the same girl I was two years ago, I've learned from my mistakes. I know there is nothing I can do to erase the past, but if you'll let me I'd like to try for us to all move on," Ashley said calmly, while inside she was trembling.

Glen looked around at everyone sitting at the table with his eyes resting finally on Spencer. They shared a look which spoke a thousand words only they could understand before both started to smile. "Ok Ashley you got a deal, lets try and move on, this doesn't mean that I like you though," Glen smiled and Ashley chuckled.

"Thanks Glen, I don't like you either," Ashley replied making everyone crack up laughing.

The rest of the dinner past rather pleasantly with the Carlin's all catching up on what Ashley had been up to. Spencer let herself just enjoy the moment and pushed the past out of her mind, for the time being anyway. She had forgotten how easy it was to be with Ashley, how comfortable she could make her feel.

When it was time to leave Spencer walked out to her car with Ashley by her side, it had been a great night which just made her feel more torn. The women hesitated beside Spencer's car each unsure of what to do.

Spencer took the initiative and gave Ashley the briefest of hugs and a warm smile, "Thanks so much for coming tonight, I'm really glad you did."

"It was my pleasure Spence. Can I see you again soon?' Ashley asked tentatively.

Spencer smiled softly with her signature head tilt and murmured, "Yeah I think that'd be ok. Call me sometime."

"I will. Bye Spence."

"Bye Ash." Spencer got into her car and pulled away Ashley stood watching her drive off. She was about to get into her own car when Mrs C walked out, "Ashley wait a second. I know it must have been pretty hard for you to come here tonight and I just wanted to say thank you. She will not admit it but Spencer has been happier having you back in her life. I really hope you find your way back to each other."

"Thanks Paula, that means so much to me. I'll see you soon I hope," Ashley replied.

"Yeah I'm sure you will. Good night Ashley." Paula smiled warmly before turning and going back inside. Ashley got in her car and drove of, a huge smile on her face, maybe just maybe they would actually get some kind of happy ending.


	8. Lost Without You

**Thanks for the reviews beautiful people!**

**WilloOn3 – Thanks so much, I'm glad you saw the reality in chapter 7 and I'll take it as a compliment that you teared up (as long as the tears weren't a resylt of my crappy writing lol)**

**mutt009 – Cheers for your review and the message you sent me (I will reply shortly!)**

**DontMindBnCrazy – Of course I forgive you, you keep leaving me such awesome reviews! How could I not forgive you :D**

**ashikinz – Thanks, I felt that Ash would just take what Glen and Arthur had to say and not get defensive considering how guilty she feels about everything that happened.**

**My Rock Star, MrsMusgraveTNG – I'm not leaning towards World War Three at this stage lol so a happy ending is a distinct possibility!**

**What Went Wrong**

**Chapter Eight – Lost Without You**

Spencer dragged herself into her and Lily's house and dumped her briefcase and jacket on the chair by the door. She was so tired. After dinner the night before with Ashley and her family she had lay awake until almost 4am, just mulling everything over. She couldn't deny that having Ashley in her life made her feel happier than she had in two years, but she also couldn't deny that pain the past had caused.

Spencer sighed loudly and headed to the kitchen. "Wow is life really that bad?" Lily asked with a warm smile as she wandered into the kitchen.

"No, it's just confusing and overwhelming and stressful," Spencer answered with a wry smile.

"Ah let me guess this is about Ashley right?" Lily grinned knowingly.

Spencer rolled her eyes and answered, "Isn't it always?" Both women laughed and Spencer pulled out a bottle of white wine from the fridge. Lily grabbed two glasses and they wordlessly drifted into their lounge room. This was their ritual when one of them had to talk about something important.

Lily took the wine and poured them each a glass, "Ok Spence spill it, what's going on in that pretty head of yours?"

Spencer sighed again and ran a hand through her long blonde hair, "Well Ashley came to dinner last night with the family and it went really well. I could tell she was nervous you know, but she came anyway because I asked her to. It meant a lot, I know how scared she is of my Mom and she was worried about how my Dad would react."

"Spence hate to break it to you but _everyone_ is scared of your Mom," Lily cut in.

Spencer laughed, "Yeah that's true. Well anyway it went really well and after a while it felt just like when we would go to my parent's for dinner when we were together. It kind of scared me Lil, it was so easy to be with her and forget the past. Forget everything bad and only remember the good times. We really did have a lot of good times, but what scares me most is that I want to be with her." Spencer breathed deeply and tried to blink away tears.

Lily put a comforting arm around Spencer's shoulder, "Spence, what happened between you can't erase the five years you guys were together, and that doesn't even count the first time you guys were together or the time when you were just friends, not that I think you guys were ever 'just friends'. What happened can't take away the memories between you or the feelings. If you love her you just have to figure out if you can move past what happened."

"You know there have been moments since she came back into my life that I thought I could move past it all and then there has been moments where I get so scared that I'm just setting myself up for another heartbreak. I cannot survive going through something like that again Lil, I just know I can't." Spencer smiled sadly and took a mouthful of her wine.

"Spence you can't control who you love and you love Ashley. I have seen you change since you started working on the documentary. You stopped being numb. Yeah you feel angry and hurt by what happened and you should. What you two went through was something I can't even begin to imagine, but that was over two years ago now. You have both changed, grown, maybe its time to let it all go." Lily murmured gently, still hold Spencer to her side.

"Maybe you're right, you know what I know you're right. I did stop being numb. She makes me feel things that no one else will ever be able to inspire in me, she makes me feel alive. I'm just so confused. How can I ignore all these feelings I have for her, but at the same time how can I let myself be vulnerable to having my heart broken again? I don't know what to do Lily," Spencer cried out as tears trickled down her cheeks.

Lily held her close and tilted her chin so their eyes could meet, "Ok Spence tell me this, do you honestly think you can ever be really happy without her?"

Spencer bit her lower lip and sniffled quietly. She locked her blue eyes on Lily's brown ones and shook her head before dissolving into wracking sobs.

-----

Spencer was sitting in the viewing room at the MTV offices in downtown L.A. waiting for Ashley. The documentary was finally finished and she had Ashley coming in for a viewing. Spencer had poured everything into this documentary. She wanted the world to see the success that Ashley had made of herself.

It had been over a week since the family dinner and Spencer had thought about Ashley constantly. They had spoken on the phone several times but Spencer just needed some time to sort the mess in her head. She had spent hours finalising the documentary, just trying to get it perfect. It made her feel closer to Ashley and enabled her to see the changes in her ex-girlfriend.

Spencer was taking a sip from her coffee when she saw Ashley walk in. She quickly put down her cup and got to her feet to greet the woman who had been monopolising her thoughts. "Hey Ash," She said breathlessly, Ashley was looking so beautiful. She was wearing long, fitted black pants with a black waist coat over a deep blue bra. Her mahogany hair was in loose curls swept half up behind her head.

"Hey Spencer, how are you?" Ashley asked as she took in the beauty that was her ex-girlfriend. Spencer was dressed for work in a tailored pair of charcoal pants with a black, transparent silk shirt over a black tank top. Her hair was up in a loose bun with a few tendrils of hair flowing around her face. Ashley couldn't help but admire the stunning woman that was her former girlfriend.

"I'm good Ash, you?"

"Yeah I'm great, I'm really excited to see the documentary," Ashley said with her signature nose-crinkling grin.

Spencer smiled nervously and bit her lower lip, it was a nervous habit that Ashley was fondly familiar with. "Spence don't be nervous, I'm sure you did a wonderful job. I know how much your work means to you," Ashley smiled kindly, "So can I see it now?"

Spencer took a deep breath, "Ok sure. I really hope you like it."

Spencer led Ashley over to the seats in front of the screen. Without needing to ask she got Ashley a cup of coffee, made exactly how she liked it. Ashley smiled to herself, even after two years apart they still got the little things about each other.

Spencer picked up a remote and took a seat next to Ashley, "Ok here we go, if you hate it…well just be honest with me."

"Spence, I'm going to love it I'm sure. Now will you play the damn thing?" Ashley said with a grin.

"Yes Ma'am," Spencer said with a giggle. She hit play on the remote and settled back so she could watch Ashley's reaction to the documentary.

The teaser opened showing Ashley sitting with an acoustic guitar in the studio with one of her artists. They were clearly deeply engrossed in the music. Spencer's voice spoke out over the picture, _"This is the story of success and a love that will span a lifetime. A love of music and feelings behind it."_

Ashley's eyes widened in wonder as she sat staring transfixed at the screen. Spencer smiled to herself at Ashley reaction.

The next shot was of Spencer sitting at the piano in the Dirty Minds Rehearsal room, _"Hi, I'm Spencer Carlin and for the last month I had the privilege of getting to see the inner workings of Dirty Mind Records and spending time with its very talented CEO and founder Ashley Davies. I have had the honour of knowing Ashley for over six years and it is no surprise to me that she has made such a success of herself. Music always meant so much to her. So I'd like to show you all the woman behind the label."_

The scene changed to show Ashley being interviewed by Spencer, it was the first interview they had done.

"_Ashley could you tell us a bit about your start in the music industry?__"__ Spencer said in her __'__interviewer__'__ voice as the camera showed Ashley sitting behind her desk._

"_I've always loved music. It is like my security blanket. No matter what was happening in my life music was always a comfort. It was all I ever wanted to do. I had an ill-fated start as a performer and then__ at 18 I got a job as a song writer with a producer, Ethan Marks, who used to work with my father. I was lucky enough to write some songs for a few artists, including Madison Duarte who is now signed to this label, and then get some experience as a producer. I worked with Ethan for three and a half years. I worked as a song writer, producer, back-up singer and even played on a few records. It was amazing experience and I will forever be thankful for my time working with Ethan. After that I went to work at Isle Records as a producer. It was vastly different from what I had been doing, I mean the work was the same but it wasn__'__t the intimate almost family like experience I__'__d had working with Ethan. It felt like it was more about making money than making great music. _

_I stayed at Isle for about six months. Then I had a tragedy in my personal life, and I lost my partner of almost five years,__"__ Ashley paused and you could see her looking meaningfully at Spencer who was out of camera range, __"__Um well after I lost my girlfriend I knew I needed something to keep me going, something to give me purpose, it would have been so easy to just give up but I owed the people in my life more than that. I wasn__'__t happy at Isle, I got into music because I loved it not to make money so I decided to leave and start up my own label and just make some great music. I also wanted to make my late father, Raife Davies, proud and nothing mattered more to my Dad then great music. I guess that led me here.__"_

The next few scenes were mostly Ashley at work, in the studio, talking to artists and writing followed by an interview with her second in command.

They watched the episode in full and were silent as the next began. They watched all six episodes, Ashley looking more and more enthralled. Spencer just felt more and more nervous when Ashley wasn't saying anything.

Finally the end of the final episode was nearing. The scene in front of them was the footage of the interview with Madison, Spencer and Ashley.

On screen Spencer beamed at the two women and said, "_Here with me we have two of my fellow King High alums, CEO of Dirty Mind Records Ashley Davies and the Latina Diva herself, Madison Duarte.__"_

"_Hey Carlin! I am in no way a Diva!__"__ Madison cut in._

_Ashley burst out laughing, __"__Oh who are you kidding Mad? You are the biggest diva on the label. Shit you__'__ve been a diva since you were five!__"_

_Madison scoffed indignantly and Spencer chuckled, __"__So you guys have known each other for a long time, everyone__'__s heard the stories. You were friends, then fell out, then started working together, made some kick ass music and became friends again. So what are you guys now?__"_

"_Well I__'__m her boss and she__'__s my performing monkey!__"__ Ashley joked._

_Madison swatted Ashley on the arm and said indignantly, __"__you would be nothing if it wasn__'__t for me! Nuh in all seriousness, Ash is one of my closest friends. As soon as I heard she was starting her own label I got my ass out of my contract and signed with her. She has a real talent when it comes to music and I trust her judgment in everything I do. I really believe I would have ended up as just another disposable pop singer if it wasn__'__t for Ashley and her beautiful songs. I mean my first single hit number one and stayed there for record time, and that is mostly due to Ashley. Actually Spence that was Dirty Mind, the song she wrote for you.__"_

_Spencer smiled demurely and looked over at Ashley, __"__Yeah she is certainly a talent to be reckoned with and that song still has a place on my Ipod and in my heart.__"__ Spencer gazed into Ashley__'__s eyes for a moment before she continued with the interview._

The interview faded out and the scene changed to footage of Ashley at the final night of shooting. Spencer's husky voice over the shot, _"Ashley Davies has always been a force to be reckoned with and in the music industry that is no exception. She is a phenomenal business women, song writer and musician. I have been blessed to spend this time with her and blessed to share a place in her life. Dirty Mind Records has a reputation for great music, which I know will continue. The world has not yet seen all that Ashley Davies is capable of, get ready because the best is yet to come."_ Spencer's voice faded out and the screen faded to black.

Spencer turned to face Ashley and was surprised to see her crying, "Oh my God Ash! It's not that bad is it? Shit what did I do wrong?" Spencer was freaking out.

Ashley just shook her head and placed a hand over her heart, "Spencer shut up. That was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, you made me look like a rock star! And what you said about me at the end, God Spencer I'm speechless. I don't think that's ever happened before!" Ashley laughed as the tears kept falling from her eyes.

Spencer reached out and gently wiped the tears from Ashley's cheeks with her thumbs, "I meant every single word. I was blessed to spend that month with you and I was blessed to have a past with you. The world really hasn't seen all that you are capable of, neither have I, I'd wager. I think the best is yet to come."

Spencer smiled softly at Ashley and got to her feet. Ashley followed suit and stood beside the blonde. Spencer turned off the electric equipment and turned to face Ashley again with the sweetest smile on her face, "You really liked it?"

Ashley got a serious look on her face and took a step closer to the blonde, "Yeah I really like it, love it even. I love the way you saw me in the doc. Spencer I…"

"You what?"

Ashley slowly stepped closer and cupped Spencer's face in her hand while her other hand landed on Spencer's waist. She inched forward as slowly as possible, giving Spencer all the time in the world to pull away. She didn't.

For the first time in two years their lips met. It was hesitant at first, each testing the water to gauge how the other was feeling. It didn't take long though until both women were clinging desperately to each other as their lips danced together. Ashley brushed Spencer's lips with her tongue begging for entrance, which was instantly granted. Both women moaned as their tongues connect for the first time in over two years.

Their kiss became hungry, passionate and intense, hands, mouths and tongues reconnecting with what was though to be lost. It was ever better than their memories of their former kisses. It was like coming home.

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**Please read and review**


	9. Tangled Up In You

**Thank you so much to all who have reviewed on this story, you guys make me feel all warm inside lol.**

**ashikinz – Thanks so much, I try to put as much real emotion and vulnerability in as I can.**

**LoveAsh87 – Glad you liked it. I kinda love Spashley too!**

**hugbuddy13 – I figured it was about time I got some Spashley kisses in there!**

**grangergirl22 – Thanks for your review**

**mutt009 – Cheers for the review and the song recommendations (you'll see I've used one in Chapter 9)**

**WillowOn3 – I like your wild imagination, I think it's on par with mine lol. I'll take full credit for making you go there. Yeah I like Lily too, I'll let you borrow her lol. Thanks so much for your kind words…once again :D**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Well Super Rock Star, thanks for the review. I'm not giving anything away but I will gently remind you that I am a fan of happy endings…I will not say any more lol**

**Hope you all like this chapter!**

**What Went Wrong**

**Chapter Nine – Tangled Up In You**

Spencer and Ashley lost themselves in the kiss. It was hot, intense and emotionally charged. Both women had a feeling that being there in that moment in each others arms was exactly where they were supposed to be. In that moment the past fell away and all that they were aware of was the love between them.

In desperate need of oxygen, Spencer pulled away. The tiny amount of distance that movement created seemed to bring reality crashing back down onto her. Spencer's hand flew to her lips and she stared in open mouthed shock at the beautiful brunette still clutching her waist.

Ashley let her hands drop to her sides and took a half step back, "Spencer, oh God I'm sorry. Shit I shouldn't have done that. I told you I wouldn't push and there I go and practically molest you! Spencer I am so sorry!" Ashley was looking panicked. One moment she had everything she ever wanted back in her arms and the next she felt like it was all being torn away again.

Spencer raised panicked eyes to meet Ashley's, which reflected her emotions perfectly, she swallowed audibly and swept her fingers over her lips. She took a hesitant step forward and whispered softly, "Ash its ok."

Ashley froze and stared in wonder at the breath-taking blonde in front of her, "Seriously?"

Spencer chuckled and smiled, "Yeah seriously."

Ashley positively beamed and went to pull Spencer into her arms again. Spencer stopped her with a gentle hand against her chest, "Wait Ash, before we go any further I really think we should talk. There is so much I want to tell you, so much I _need_ to tell you."

Ashley nodded and took Spencer's hand in hers, "Of course, whatever you need Spence. What did you want to talk about?"

"Not here Ash, can we go somewhere?" Spencer asked as she tenderly squeezed Ashley's hand. Ashley nodded and let Spencer lead her from the room.

Spencer held her hand as they walked along the hallways of the MTV offices and out to the underground car park. "Ok Spencer are you planning to kill me in here?" Ashley asked with a grin.

Spencer threw back her head and laughed, the musical sound swimming around Ashley and making her feel a happiness she could only ever feel in Spencer's presence. "Nuh not gonna kill you…yet," Spencer said with a huge smile as she led Ashley to her car.

"Mini Cooper huh? Nice!" Ashley commented as she settled herself in the passenger seat.

"Yeah she suits me," Spencer replied with a huge grin. She started the car and they drove out of the car park.

It wasn't long before a look of recocognition crossed Ashley's face, "You're taking me to the beach aren't you?"

Spencer just grinned and kept driving. Her eyes widened in astonishment when the next song to start playing on the radio was Dirty Mind. Spencer turned to look at Ashley and gave her a warm smile. They sat in silence as the song played, each lost in memories of the past, happy memories this time.

'Summer's getting hotter and winter's growing colder...  
And everybody's turning another year older  
I wonder when I'll be lying head to toe again  
With you my friend  
And time will stop and space will bend'

Ashley joined in and began singing the song along with Madison's voice as it spilled from the radio.

'Please come find me with your dirty mind

Here you come just like a meteor shower  
Call me up at the dreamiest hour  
Sighing with your lazy voice on the phone

Oh please come find me with your dirty mind  
Hold me down until I cry  
With your wicked secret smile

Hold me down until I cry  
With your wicked secret smile  
Hold me down and make me cry'

The music faded out and a disposable pop song began to play. Spencer sent Ashley a grin. "You know as much as I love Madison's version, it has nothing on the one you recorded for me."

"Yeah?" Ashley asked with a nose-crinkling grin.

"Yeah." Spencer pulled into a space at the beach and got out of the car. Both women rolled up their pant legs and kicked of their high heels. Spencer grabbed a blanket from her trunk and led the way across the warm, soft sand to their spot under the pier.

This spot would always be special to them.

Spencer spread the blanket out on the sand and they each took a seat facing out towards the ocean. "You know ever since I've moved back to L.A. I have avoided the beach like the plague," Spencer murmured, her eyes staring out at the waves.

"Why?" Ashley asked as she turned her face to look at the blonde.

"Simple, it reminded me of you, of being with you and it hurt." Spencer said, still staring out at the water.

Ashley lowered her eyes, "Spence I know I've said it before but I am so sorry about everything."

"Ash," Spencer waited for Ashley to meet her eyes, "I know you're sorry. I'm sorry for my part in it all too. I kind of wanted to talk about that. I mean you explained everything to me, how you felt and all that but I never really explained to you how I felt after we…ah…lost the baby." Spencer's eyes filled with tears and she furiously blinked them away.

Ashley turned her body around so that she was sitting facing Spencer. She knew that Spencer had not yet forgiven her and it hurt, but she would wait. She had waited so long to hear what Spencer was about to say. "Spencer if you want to talk about it I'm all ears, I've always wanted to know, wished I'd known then so I could have helped you. I just wanted to take your pain away."

Spencer gave a bitter little laugh, "At that point in my life nothing was going to take my pain away, least of all you," Spencer stopped, realising she had been a tad harsh, "I mean I was in a dark place and I needed time to get myself out of there." Spencer took a deep breath to steady herself. She had never actually verbalised any of her feelings about the baby, it had remained a taboo subject in her life that everyone avoided at all costs.

"When we decided to have a baby I was scared but so excited. I wanted a family, a life, everything with you. The day we found out I was pregnant is one of the happiest memories of my life, even though it is now coloured by all that happened afterwards. I was so excited Ash. It was like all our planning, hoping and dreaming was coming true. Everything was falling into place. It was one of the happiest times of my life." Spencer gave a sad little smile.

"Then it all came crashing down around us. I remember the night I lost the baby like it was yesterday. I have had nightmares about that night so many times. I remember I had just gotten home from work and gotten changed. I was thinking about you actually, wondering if you were going to burn down the kitchen while you were cooking dinner," Spencer paused and gave Ashley a ghost of a smile, "Then this unbearable pain shot through my stomach and I knew, deep down I knew what was happening. I was so scared. I bit my lip to keep from crying and lay down on the bed, hoping against hope that I was overreacting and that the pain would go away."

Ashley felt her heart constrict and tears fill her eyes. Spencer let her own tears fall unchecked down her cheeks, "Then you came in and ran to me, you called the ambulance and then lay down behind me, wrapping your arms around me. That is what held me together until I felt the blood coming from me. I knew without a doubt that I was loosing the baby. I felt pain like I have never experienced before, emotional and physical. I kind of just wanted to die."

Ashley looked at the blonde in horror, shaken to her core and unsure of what to say. Spencer seemed to sense this and lay a hand gently over Ashley's before she continued, "Everything after that was a nightmare, a waking nightmare that I just couldn't force myself to wake up from. I can still hear the sound of that machine, the one that they used to take away all that was left of our child. In that moment I started to hate myself. I blamed myself for losing the baby."

Ashley went to speak but was silenced by Spencer, "Please let me get this out. I felt that I must have done something wrong, not taken care of myself and our baby. I felt so guilty and angry at myself. I wished with all my soul that I could go back and save our child. I kept telling myself that if only I'd done things differently, anything then maybe I could have stopped our lives falling apart.

It was bad while we were in the hospital but I knew once we got home it would be worse. That's why I asked you to get rid of all the stuff that would remind me of the baby and the pregnancy. Knowing you though I bet you didn't throw it out, what did you do with it all?"

Ashley squeezed Spencer's hand, "It's all in a box at Kyla and Aiden's. You're right I couldn't bear to get rid of it. I also felt that maybe one day you would regret asking me to get rid of it and I didn't want you to, so I kept it all. I have only opened that box once in two years."

"I actually think I'd like to see the stuff sometime, not right now but sometime. Thank you for not listening to me," Spencer grinned.

"You know me Spence, I rarely listen."

Spencer chuckled softly, "I vaguely remember that about you." They smiled fondly at each other for a moment before Spencer continued, "Well coming back to that loft was harder than I thought it would be. The second I walked in the door I just want to sink to the floor and sob. That place was just too full of memories, and then there was you. God Ashley I love you, but seeing you so broken and sad just reminded me of what I had lost, what _we_ had lost. It hurt just to look at you. I could see how badly you wanted to help me but it just made me feel worse. I felt undeserving of your love and support because I lost our baby."

Spencer was crying in earnest now, the memories coming hard and fast. Ashley had tears pouring from her eyes as well, she had never known the depth of guilt that Spencer had carried with her. "I pulled away from you, but to me at the time that was the only way I knew how to survive. I was drowning Ash, sinking and a huge part of me was desperate to let go. Hell if I didn't love you so much I would have. I would have given into the gut-wrenching pain and just let go.

I felt like I was letting you down in every way Ashley, by loosing the baby, by pulling away from you and by not being able to help you through your grief. I knew you were grieving too and that just made me feel guiltier. I hid from you, pushed you away as a means of surviving something I really didn't think I was going to survive. I didn't want you to see how bad I was feeling, I didn't want to add to your pain. That's why I wanted to get away from you for a while.

I spent the entire drive to my parent's friend's cabin playing everything over and over in my head. It made me hate myself even more. I saw how by pushing you away I was only adding to your pain. I got to the cabin and instantly turned around to drive home. I guess you know what happened when I got there…" Spencer trailed off and stared out over the ocean.

Ashley sat in silence trying to process everything that Spencer had said to her. She swallowed around the lump in her throat and said huskily, "Spencer you did nothing wrong. It was so not your fault that we lost the baby, these things happen sometimes and there is nothing anyone could have done. It was a freak thing Babe and there was nothing that you could have done to prevent it. I understand why you felt guilty, I felt the same way when I lost my baby in high school, but please believe me when I tell you it wasn't your fault. Nothing that happened back then was your fault Spencer."

Spencer wiped the tears from her cheeks and sniffled a little bit. "Thanks Ash," Spencer looked thoughtful for a second and then a watery smile formed on her lips, "God I feel free, like a weight has gone. I think telling you all that was exactly what I needed. Fuck, I've been waiting over two years to have you tell me that you don't blame me for losing the baby, I just never realised it." Spencer laughed softly and shook her head.

"I never blamed you Spence, not for any of it. I wish I'd known you were blaming yourself, although in hindsight I so should have been able to see it. I'm sorry that I didn't see it and for everything else." Ashley said, locking her eyes with Spencer's.

Spencer just smiled and held Ashley's hand more firmly in her own. They say in comfortable silence for a while until Ashley noticed Spencer shivering. She scooted closer and tentatively wrapped an arm around the blonde's shoulder, giving her the opportunity to pull away if she chose to.

Spencer snuggled into the familiar embrace and rested her head on Ashley's shoulder. She felt ok, really ok for the first time in a damn long time. Ashley held her close as they watched the sun start to sink below the water. "Ash?"

"Yeah Spence?"

"What are we?" Spencer asked quietly.

"We are whatever you want us to be. I love you and I want to be with you but I don't want to push you into something you don't want or are not ready for. The ball's in your court babe," Ashley murmured planting the softest of kisses on Spencer's forehead.

"Ok, let's just sit here for a while then, just be here in the moment together. Is that ok?" Spencer asked gently.

"It's better than ok."

They snuggled against each other in the dying light, each just revelling in the joy of being together. Spencer tilted her head to look up at Ashley and whispered, "will you sing something for me?"

Ashley smiled and murmured, "Of course, any requests?"

"Whatever you feel," Spencer replied.

Ashley thought for a second and then smiled as she began to sing.

"You're my world  
The shelter from the rain  
You're the pills  
That take away my pain  
You're the light  
That helps me find my way  
You're the words  
When I have nothing to say

And in this world  
Where nothing else is true  
Here I am  
Still tangled up in you  
I'm still tangled up in you  
Still tangled up in you

You're the fire  
That warms me when I'm cold  
You're the hand  
I have to hold as I grow old  
You're the shore  
When I am lost at sea  
You're the only thing  
That I like about me

And in this world  
Where nothing else is true  
Here I am  
Still tangled up in you  
I'm still tangled up in you

How long has it been  
Since this storyline began  
And I hope it never ends  
And goes like this forever

In this world  
Where nothing else is true  
Here I am  
Still tangled up in you  
Tangled up in you  
I'm still tangled up in you  
Still tangled up in you."

Spencer grinned tenderly up at Ashley and snuggled deeper into her arms. Ashley smiled and held the blonde closer to her. They didn't need words, they just needed the closeness of having the other with them.

They sat there until the sun was completely gone from the sky, which had turned the deep, dark blue of night. Then Spencer stood up and held out a hand for Ashley who willing took it and let herself be pulled up to stand beside her former lover.

"Ash there's something I need to do, will you come with me?" Spencer asked, still clutching Ashley's hand in hers.

"You know I will." Was Ashley's simple reply.

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**The song in this Chapter is Tangled Up In You by Staind, a huge thank you to mutt009 for suggesting it!! This song is also the name of the chapter.**

**TutorGurl – your comments on an earlier chapter inspired the conversation between Spencer and Ashley, I wanted to explain Spencer's POV a bit more, so thank you.**

**Not too sure how I feel about this one, would love to get your opinions!**

**I have a feeling the next chapter might be the last…**


	10. Inevitable

**Here it is the last Chapter of this fic. Thank you so much to all who reviewed for chapter 9, it really means so very much.**

**CCJLFAN, grangergirl22 & LoveAsh87 - Thank you so much!**

**somethgIlike2do - Thanks for your wonderful review. Your words mean so much!**

**DontMindBnCrazy - Thanks! Sadly every story must end, hmm but what do you think…sequel?**

**goshNyikes (WillowOn3) - Thanks for your awesome review! You can borrow me too, just as long as I get returned in almost the same state in which you found me lol. I'm so glad you like seeing Spencer's side, I thought it was important to tell. Thanks again!!**

**ashikinz - Thanks, you are too sweet! It really means more than I can say to get such a fantastic review! You are too awesome :D**

**TurtorGurl - Thank you for your review, I always love reading your thoughts in my writing. Thanks for taking the time to review and I am glad you like the story thus far. I kinda have to agree with you about Dirty Mind, the lyrics don't work for me.**

**And last but definitely not least, MrsMusgraveTNG - hey there my Rock Star, so glad you liked it my dear, hope I can pull of the last chapter with a bang lol.**

**This final chapter is dedicated to all who have taken the time to read this story, thank you so much.**

* * *

**What Went Wrong**

**Chapter Ten - Inevitable**

Ashley let Spencer lead her by the hand back to her car. Spencer was quiet, appearing deep in thought. They got into the car and Ashley sat waiting for Spencer to start the car and take them wherever it was they she needed to go. "So Spence, you know in order to drive you actually have to start the car?" Ashley teased with a gentle smile.

Spencer seemed to snap out of her daze and grinned over at Ashley, "Sorry I was just preparing myself for what I'm about to do."

Ashley looked puzzled, and a tiny bit apprehensive, "What are we about to do Spence?"

Spencer sighed and turned to face Ashley, "I want to go to Kyla's and look at the baby stuff together. I know I said earlier that I'd do it someday but I think I need to do it now. Ash I have been carrying this around for so long. I know it will always be with me in a way, but what I really need now is closure. If you and I ever have a chance of being together again, and I want that, then I need to get some closure on what happened between us."

Ashley nodded and smiled, "Ok whatever you need Spencer. I have to ask though, you really want us to be together again?" Ashley's smile was wide and hopeful.

Spencer smiled sweetly and murmured, "Yeah I do. I was talking to Lily the other day and she asked me something. She asked me if I thought I could ever be happy without you. The answer to that is simply no. I know in my heart that I can never be completely happy without you. Ashley Davies you are without a doubt my other half, my soulmate and I cannot walk away without doing everything in my power to try and make this work. Baby steps, but I want my life to be with you."

"You really mean that?" Ashley asked with a nose-crinkling grin.

Spencer rolled her eyes and smiled warmly, "Yes you doofus I mean it, have you ever known me to say anything I don't mean?"

Ashley chuckled, "Yeah that's true. I guess I just keep waiting to wake up and find that you actually talking to me and not wanting to murder me is a dream."

"Well I got over wanting you dead a long time ago, now I just kind of want you maimed a little." Both women laughed and Spencer started her car, "I guess it's time."

Ashley took Spencer's hand in hers and gave it a comforting squeeze, "if you aren't ready for this then we don't have to go. Whatever you decide I'll be there with you the whole time."

Spencer smiled sadly and murmured, "Thanks Ash, but I think I need to do this. It's been over two years now and I just gotta let it go. What happened back then has been affecting my life for far too long. It's time Ashley."

Ashley smiled in understanding and they drove the short distance to Kyla and Aiden's house in silence, both deep in thought about what was awaiting them.

Spencer parked her Mini Cooper in front of Aiden and Kyla's ranch style house. It was very much so the 'family home' and everyone was just waiting for the inevitable announcement of a baby on the way.

"You ok Spence?" Ashley asked undoing her seat belt and turning to face the blonde with an expression of so much understanding it made Spencer's heart skip a beat.

"I'm alright, let's go." She said with more confidence than she felt. Spencer undid her seatbelt and climbed shakily from the car. They walked quickly to the front door where Ashley proceeded to continuously press the door bell until a rather pissed off looking Kyla answered.

"Jesus Ashley, you still ring my fucking door bell like a child!" Kyla turned to Spencer with a warm smile, "Hey Spencer, come on in." Kyla was secretly thrilled to see her sister and Spencer together. She had watched them both suffer so much since they broke up so seeing them together made her feel hopeful that they might be ok.

Kyla led them into her stylish, yet comfortable living room and they all sat down. Kyla noted with satisfaction how Spencer and Ashley automatically sat next to each other on the couch, ever so slightly closer than would be considered friendly. "So what brings you two lovely ladies to my door?"

Spencer froze, now that the moment had arrived, now that she was actually going to come face to face with reminders of the most painful time of her life, she felt physically sick. Ashley moved closer to Spencer and draped an arm around her shoulders. "Spencer and I wanted to see the box, you know the box of…"

"I know which box Ash, I'll go get it," Kyla cut in gently. She gave Ashley and Spencer a sad smile and left the room. Spencer turned her head and buried her face in Ashley's neck, needing the contact and comfort of her arms.

"Spencer there is no shame in not being ready for this, hell I've looked at this stuff and I'm not even sure I'm ready for this," Ashley murmured into Spencer's soft sun-kissed blonde hair.

Spencer took a deep, shuddering breath and nodded, "I know, but I want to do this. Back then everything was so raw and overwhelming I just couldn't face it. Now I can, but not without you."

Ashley was about to reply when Kyla walked in with a plain looking, medium sized brown box in her arms. Kyla lay the box down on the coffee table and smiled softly at the women on her couch, "I'm going to go out for a while, stay as long as you like. If you need me please call."

Spencer could only smile briefly before locking her eyes on the box in front of her. Ashley quietly thanked her sister and turned her attention back to the blonde beside her. Spencer took a deep breath and slid forward on the couch. She reached out and hesitantly opened the box, immediately bursting into tears when she saw the items sitting on top of the meagre reminders of the baby. It was the tiny pair of red Converse high-tops that Ashley had brought home for her.

Ashley swallowed back her own tears and moved closer to Spencer. Spencer pulled the tiny pair of shoes out of the box and cradled them in her hands, "The day you brought these home to me was so happy. Everything was perfect," Spencer said quietly.

"I know honey, I know." Ashley wrapped an arm around Spencer's shoulder and held her close. Spencer gave a strangled cry as she pulled out the sonogram photo that the doctor had taken when they had gone to have her pregnancy confirmed. Ashley pulled her closer and let her sob against her chest.

"Spencer we can stop…"

Spencer cut her off gently, "No, its ok Ashley." Spencer pulled the box onto her lap and shook her head, "So few reminders of one of the happiest times of my life. All that planning, dreaming and hoping and this is all that's left. It's really sad."

"Yeah it is. But you know what? We can make new happy memories. We can't change the past but we can move on from it and make sure the future is brighter. Spence I will never make the same mistakes I did back then. I hope you know that," Ashley said, her chocolate eyes locked on Spencer's ocean blue ones.

Spencer nodded, "I believe that, I really do. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that part of me is scared Ash. It's strange how I can feel safe in your arms but scared at the same time. I believe whole-heartedly that you have grown and learnt from past mistakes, hell we both have, but what scares me is what happens if and when things get bad again? Will you get drunk and cheat on me? That's what scares me Ash, that's why I keep holding back." Spencer closed her eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Ashley let her own tears fall and looked at the beautiful woman that she had hurt so badly. "Spence I can sit here forever telling you I would never cheat on you again, but they're just words. I know I mean them with all that I am. I know that I would never let that happen again, because I love you more than anything, I would give up my life before I ever hurt you like that again. I can say all these words but they don't mean a damn thing unless you trust me. I know that's asking a lot, asking you to put your heart back into the hands of someone who broke it, but I hope one day you can."

Spencer sat quietly for a moment, just looking into Ashley's eyes, "I hope so too, because I love you and always will." Spencer leaned forward and placed a tender, chaste kiss on Ashley's lips. Both women smiled through their tears and continued to look through the small collection of items in the box.

"I don't want to seal all this back up in this box Ash," Spencer said as she held a tiny t-shirt in her hands. She had brought it while she was pregnant, it was a tiny little Ramones t-shirt she had told Ashley that the baby would undoubtedly love music too.

"Ok Spence, what do you want to do with it?" Ashley asked as she held a little teddy bear in her hand, she had brought that bear from the little store next to the doctors after they had the pregnancy confirmed. It was the first thing they had brought for the baby once they found out Spencer was pregnant.

"How about we just take it home, um I mean I'll take some and you take some. I just don't want it shut up in a box like it never happened. Back then when I asked you to get rid of it all I was just hurting too much and couldn't bear any reminders, but now I don't want to deny that we were having a baby. Despite how it ended and everything that was still a happy time for me." Spencer ran a hand threw her long blonde hair and gave Ashley a small smile.

"That sounds good to me. It really was one of the happiest times of my life, until…well until it all went to shit," Ashley murmured looking down at the teddy in her hand.

Spencer looked over at the sad looking brunette beside her and couldn't help but feel for her. Ashley had been torturing herself over what had happened between them and it was obvious that she still hadn't forgiven herself and probably never would. Spencer felt the strongest urge to just tell Ashley it was all ok, that it was forgotten, but she couldn't get the words out.

It had been the most overwhelming day and Spencer knew she needed some time. "Ash, I think I'd better get home now. It's been a long and pretty emotional day. Can I give you a ride back to your car?"

Ashley brought her eyes up to meet Spencer's and could only see the exhaustion and confusion in the blue eyes she loved so much, "It's ok Spence, I'll wait here for Kyla and then her or Aiden can drive me back."

Spencer nodded and got to her feet. Ashley picked up the box of baby stuff and handed it to Spencer, "Here take this with you, whatever you don't want let me know and I'll take it. If you want to talk about it or anything please call me?"

"I will. Thanks Ashley." Spencer leaned forward and pulled Ashley to her feet so she could envelope her in a warm hug. Spencer planted a tender kiss on Ashley's cheek, gave her a sweet smile and walked out.

Ashley let herself fall back on the couch and her mind started to run over with thoughts on the way things were between her and Spencer. She had been sitting there in silence for about fifteen minutes when Kyla wandered back in. Kyla walked over and took a seat next to Ashley. "Where's Spencer?"

"Um she headed off. I think today was a bit much for her," Ashley said quietly, still staring in front of her.

"Are you ok Ash?" Kyla asked laying a hand on her sister's knee.

"Yeah, just thinking. Spencer told me she wants to work things out with me, but that's she's still scared that I'll cheat on her again. I don't know what to do to show her that I'd never hurt her again. I love her and I know she loves me. I just want to be with her. God I love her so much Kyla," Ashley cried, putting her face in her hands.

"Ash it will work out ok, I know it will. Spencer just has to learn to trust you, and I know that she wants to. She wants to be with you Ash, any dip shit can see that," Kyla said kindly.

"I know. I kissed her today and she kissed me back," Ashley began to smile as she remembered the feeling of her lips on Spencer's after so long, "she totally kissed me back."

Kyla beamed and patted Ashley on the knee, "Well I'd say if you kissed her and it didn't result in her bitch slapping you then it's a good thing. Ash, just let things play out. Spencer just needs time to adjust. Think about it wasn't that long ago that you guys came back into each other's lives so just give it time. I know everything will work out."

Ashley grinned at her sister, "I hope you're right because after spending two years without her I know that I can _exist _without her, but its so not living."

------

It had been a week since Spencer had seen Ashley. A week where she had gone almost totally reclusive and just thought about everything. Tonight was the night that the first episode of the documentary was airing on MTV and Spencer was nervous but so excited.

Spencer had spent the last week in a deep sea of soul searching, when she wasn't at work she was at home or on the beach. The beach always meant so much to her, not just because of the special meaning it had held for her and Ashley as a couple, but because it filled her with a sense of peace and calm.

She was certain that she was hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Ashley Davies, there was no denying that. What she had been struggling with was the whole trust thing. She had let Ashley in before and it had ended so badly that she was scared.

Spencer strolled into her kitchen and grabbed a glass of water. She saw a note propped up on the bench attached to her, beside it was a CD with 'play me' written on it. Spencer titled her head and smiled to herself, she'd recognise that hand writing anywhere, "Ashley," She whispered to herself as she picked up the CD and letter and made her way into the living room. She took the CD out of its case and popped it in the CD player, she pressed play and lowered herself on to the sofa.

"So hey Spence, um knowing you, you put the CD on before reading the note so please as a favour to me hit pause, read the note and then listen to the song." Came Ashley's voice through the speakers.

Spencer smiled and hit pause before unfolding the note in her hand. It read,

'_Dear Spencer,_

_I'm sorry I haven't called or anything this past week but I wanted to give you time to think and process everything that happened between us. Being me though my emotions and lack of patients got the better of me and here I am harassing you with a letter and a song I recorded for you._

_You told me you feel safe in my arms but scared at the same time and I understand that. I am so beyond sorry that my fuck ups have caused you all this pain and I would give everything to take it back. I can't promise you that we won't fight or have bad times. You and I are two very passionate, intense people so the reality is we will fight. We will piss each other off and make mistakes. What I can promise you is that I love you, every single day I find that I fall deeper and deeper in love with you. I can also promise you that I will never again hurt you like I did back then. _

_Spencer I am not the same girl I was back then. It took losing you completely for me to realise that without you I am not living. It took losing you completely for me to sit up and take stock of everything. I know now what is important in my life and baby it's you. I will never stop trying to show you just how much I love you and want to be with you._

_I will wait forever for you. _

_I love you,_

_Ashley_

_xox'_

Spence folded the note back up and wiped a tear from her cheek and she picked up the remote to hit play on the CD player.

"Ok so I hope you've read the note, I meant every word. I recorded this song to hopefully express to you how I feel, and yeah it's a cover but it says the words better than I think I could. I love you Spencer Carlin"

Spencer clutched a hand over her heart and felt the music spill out of the speakers and over her as Ashley's rich, soulful voice made her heart race.

"Do you remember when we were just kids  
And cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss  
Schoolyard conversations taken to heart  
And laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not

I wanna break every clock  
The hands of time could never move again  
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)  
For the rest of our lives  
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss  
That you'll ever have  
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does  
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

I wanna break every clock  
The hands of time could never move again  
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)  
For the rest of our lives  
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss  
That you'll ever have  
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now  
Is it over now hey, hey, it's not over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss  
That you'll ever have (that you'll ever have)  
I wanna be your last, first love (that you'll ever have)  
Till you're lying here beside me with arms and eyes open wide  
I wanna be your last, first kiss for all time."

As soon as the song ended Spencer sprang to her feet and began to pace her living room, tears spilling from her eyes. Her breathing was quick and erratic, her hands clenched in fists at her sides.

"Spence? You alright?" Lily asked as she walked in. Spencer nodded and halted her pacing.

"I'm fine, I gotta go," Spencer said breathlessly as she grabbed her bag and bolted out of the house. Lily saw the note and CD case on the coffee table and just smiled to herself, _I guess letting Ashley borrow my key this morning paid off,_ she though to herself.

Spencer broke all speed limits driving to Ashley's condo by the beach. She had moved there a few weeks after Spencer fled to Ohio. She just couldn't stay in the loft, it hurt far too much to be there without Spencer.

Spencer parked her car and ran to Ashley's front door. She pounded on the door like a crazy person until Ashley flung open the door totally ready to kick the ass of the person causing the racket. Seeing Spencer her face broke into a huge grin. "Spence," she said softly.

"Hey, can I come in?" Spencer asked her deep blue eyes gazing into Ashley's mocha ones.

"Sure come on in." Ashley stepped back and let Spencer proceed her into the house. Spencer wandered into the living room to the left of the front door and couldn't help but smile at how 'Ashley' the place was. Everything was stylish, but comfortable with the centre piece of the living room being a baby grand piano.

Spencer immediately began pacing back and forth across the living room carpet wringing her hands in front of her. Spencer looked to be having a conversation with herself in her head. "You know Spence if you wear a path in my rug you'll owe me a new one," Ashley said with an amused smile. She had intended her note and CD to get a reaction from Spencer and here was the reaction.

Spencer stopped and turned to face the brunette who was leaning against the door frame. Spencer took a few steps closer, coming to a stop a few feet away from the other woman. "I got your letter and the CD."

"I figured you had, what with the pacing and all. So Spence how do you feel about it all? Like I said I will wait forever for you. I know I sound like a broken record, but I am sorry," Ashley murmured taking a step closer to the blonde.

Spencer looked thoughtful for a second and she gave a tiny laugh as her face split into a beautiful smile that made her blue eyes twinkle. She stepped closer so that there was mere inches between them. "Ashley you don't have to apologise anymore, what you did, what happened its ok."

Ashley felt her heart start to pound in her chest as tears filled her eyes, had she heard Spencer right? "It's can't be Spencer, it's too much to forgive," She cried shaking her head.

Spencer reached out and tenderly cupped the brunette's cheek in her palm, "It doesn't matter, because Ashley I forgive you. I love you and I need you. I have been utterly lost without you Please tell me you feel that same?"

"You know I do," Ashley murmured breathlessly.

They fell into each others arms, both crying as they crushed their bodies against each other. "God I love you so much Ashley," Spencer murmured into Ashley's neck.

"But do you trust me?" Ashley asked, with a slight trace of fear.

"With my life, with my heart 100% completely. You're right you aren't the same girl you were back then and neither am I, if we want this to work it's got to be all or nothing. So I guess I'm going all in," Spencer grinned down at the woman in her arms.

Ashley beamed and let more tears fall, "Spencer I love you so much." Ashley buried her face in Spencer's neck and inhaled the scent of the woman she would always love.

Spencer pulled back slightly and gazed deeply into the chocolate eyes she love so much. No more words were needed, they had forever to talk about it all. Spencer leaned in and captured Ashley's lips in a tender, loving kiss full of promise.

In that moment the past was finally put to rest. Neither woman would ever forget what had happened between them, but it was a time to move on. A love like their's could never be denied. It was a love strong enough to move forward and leave the past where it belonged.

_I wanna break every clock  
The hands of time could never move again  
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)  
For the rest of our lives_

_----------_

**Well that's it my lovelies, the final chapter of this story. **

**I really hope you liked it.**

**I am considering doing a sequel, what do you guys think?**

**The song in this chapter (and the chapter title) is a song called Inevitable by Anberlin, a truly awesome and beautiful song I suggest everyone get on their Ipods right now!**

**Oh and parts of this Chapter were inspired by One Tree Hill, you're cool if you can figure it out lol (if you've watched OtH its pretty obvious lol)**

**Thanks again guys!**


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